Press Conference Speech-2099 Jeremy Colin Newell Hanover College Hanover, Indiana Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the biggest conference since July 4, 1776. I come to you today to inform you of a new relationship we have formed with our neighboring country Canada. Many of you know that experiments of cloning have been becoming more and more elaborate with each year and some of you know that a number of these experiments have been successful. I am here today to tell you that one of our neighboring countries have perfected this process. We on the other hand have not. Canada perfected the entire process of cloning in 2047.
Being the quiet peaceful country 52 years ago, the United States government saw this new knowledge as no threat and decided to keep the information from the American people. However, it has become a threat. One week ago, Canada sent cloned troops towards the United States in hopes to overthrow our government. American troops were also sent for retaliation. Unfortunately because the United States has not properly funded our cloning program over the past few decades, hopes of victory have diminished to very slim chances. Over the past few days, the Canadian clones have wiped out two-thirds of our American forces.
Since every clone can be reproduced once destroyed, this battle has become an inevitable loss to the United States. On this basis, the United States government and all officials with influence on our society have decided to surrender to Canada so that no more lives will be lost. It is a sad day and probably the last of the United States of America. Under the terms set for surrender the border between Alaska, Canada, and the United States shall be dropped. A new country shall be formed entitled "UNITED CANADA." Clones have been enabled to use deadly force to insure the protection of others so panicking will only insure one's death. Our economies will merge, as will our governmental systems.
All risk-taking jobs shall be abolished and will be worked only by clones. Clones will become our new police force, firemen, armed forces, navy, army, National Guard, coast guard, marines, et cet era. The border between Canada and the United States is being removed as we speak and the border between all other countries and us has been closed. Canadians and Canadian clones are one their way south this very moment. Please do not put up any resistance to this movement for already too many lives have been lost.
Everyone except those who are employed by the county, state, or United States government will have only minor changes in their every day lives. All United States government, state, and county officials will be relieved of their jobs and must report to the formerly secret base 719 in Toronto, our new capital. You will then be cloned and your clone will then replace you at your current job. Toronto officials will assign a more useful occupation to you. These are all the orders we have received from Toronto so far.
I will keep you up to date, as further details become available. As my last word as an influential member of this changing society, I wish you all the best of luck with your new government and I hope that we can merge together without any resisting bodies. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to United Canada.