I began to be able to focus my rage. When I finally got back into football, four weeks into the season, it seemed like I had better control of my body. I was able to unleash devastating blows, and had an unyielding power that never seemed to diminish. The over abundance of energy carried over into the track season as well.
I participated in two events discus and shot put. Before every throw I would lock my jaw shut, close my eyes, and relive the entire experience of being metaphorically imprisoned. Immediately my heart would go from beats to what was like larger and larger explosions in my chest, my hands would then begin to shake profusely, and adrenaline would fill my entire body. Then I was ready to throw. Nothing is like the ability to focus you rage into power; it makes you believe you are unstoppable. The accumulation of rage from the past two months fueled this power, and I only wish I could have focused my energy years earlier.
This incident was really a blessing in disguise. I just do not understand that in order to receive this blessing I had to suffer through so much pain and aguish. After the physical fight I had another fight to endure, the fight for what is right for myself. This time it was a psychological war, and my mind was the battlefield. With my mind being occupied for war, sanity became a rare commodity. The metal wires in my mouth were prison bars to the mind.
The two sides, good and evil, had been locked up, caged like an animals, and forced to clash. Insanity, rage, hatred, evil had swayed victory of the first battle. Soon I detested an entire race, a mere thought of them made the blood in my veins burn with a fiery rage and my mind scream with madness. I became someone I never expected or wanted to be. Attempts to fight these feelings were futile. Logic was smothered by insanity.
Trust had vanished from my life and became an unnecessary liability that I could no longer grant to any one. My thoughts were raped this way for weeks. I felt evil wrapping its claws around complete domination. Yet, even at evil's highest peak it could not eclipse good's light. It became clear to me that it was not their race that I hated, but their comradely. They fought together and protected each other.
My friends and I were not able to establish the same connection and this tormented me. It tortured my mind to know that I would sacrifice everything to protect my friends, but denied the same support. Knowing this, I needed something that would sedate the psychological pain that I masked with anger. Then, I stumbled across a simple saying that seemed unusually sublime, "shit happens." Sh happens, helped me realize that I was at the wrong place, at the wrong time, and did the wrong things. Although, I could complain that night so much sh happened to us, we could have filled three Olympic sized swimming pools, and not a soul should experience the same events, but hey, sh happens right? This saying revolutionized my life like that kick to my face.
"Sh happens" taught me no matter how high life flies, far down life plummets, often life slips, or hard life falls, to never complain, because someone always has it worse. "Sh happens" also taught me indifference Tommorow is a noth. And soon after I regained my dignity and level-headedness. I no longer craved revenge, but rage still festered.
After two months with my jaw wired shut, I finally balanced my emotions. Yet it is impossible to say which side won. Neither good nor evil could claim victory. I was not the same person I was. Good did not win because I am not nearly as trusting or forgiving. Evil did not win because I no longer hate an entire race, but rage and insanity will always remain in the back of my mind.
Living with my mind at the breaking point is where I truly defined myself.