How to Win Friends and Influence People Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends and Influence People gives several proven methods and examples on how to succeed in a business world where it is not what you know all the time but who you know. The book's chapters are comprised of how to handle people, how to be a successful leader, and how to win people to your way of thinking. The preface provides several ideas and suggestions that will help the reader get the most out the book. The author suggests that the reader keep an open mind, and also suggest some other reading materials that will also help. The first chapter deals with how to handle people successfully. In this chapter it highlights one of the most important things you can do when dealing with people and their particular situation is to rationalize with them, meaning that to better understand were the person is coming from you must put yourself in their shoes.
Every one can and will rationalize why they make the decisions they make. People like the infamous Al Capone never thought he was a bad person. He had rationalized the actions he took and the decisions he made. This is a good example to lead into the first principle, which is that no one should ever crit ize, complain, or condemn other people. Principe two suggests that you always give people or sincere appreciation. You shouldn't sit and think about your own individual accomplishments and successes, but compliment others on their successes.
The most important thing that others can give is their genuine appreciation. That is the key to getting what you want, threatening people by force or harsh words, but to get others to do what you want is to give them what they want; appreciation for their deeds. Principle three explains that most people do not care what you want. They care mostly for themselves and are not really interested in what you want. The key is to expose them on how what you want will also benefit them; it establishes eagerness and willingness in the other people.
A good example of this is fishing, you don't bait the hook with what you want to eat, you bait the hook with what the fish want. Again, thinking from the other side's perspective. The second part of the book discusses ways on how to get people to like you. The first step is to become genuinely interested in them. People are more apt to like you if they feel admired by you.
One must instill a sense of fondness. ("Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn't have to work for a living. A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, a canary has to sing, but a dog makes his living by giving nothing but love." -- -Dale Carnegie) Dogs are man's best friend for this reason, they never criticize or complain, they are always affectionate and enthused. The next principle is not to speak about yourself or your own accomplishments.
People do not care about others successes they feel threatened. Get people to talk about themselves, this will help you attain a sense of interest and admiration that will aid you in dealing with people. (" you can get more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years trying to make them interested in you." -- -- Dale Carnegie) The second principle in this section of the book is the power of the smile. The smile can do wonders for you. A smile says that you are happy to see someone, and that these people make you feel good. Actions speak louder than words and are more effective.
Another important thing dealing with getting people to like you is recognition of their uniqueness. You can achieve this by simply using the person's name. People like to hear their own names; to them it is the best sound in the world. Most people do not realize it but by just remembering a person's first same you are actually paying them a compliment. A person's name sets them apart from everyone else, it makes them feel unique. The fourth principle requires you to listen.
Listening to people makes them feel important and that you are interested in them. One thing to always keep in mind is that in general people only care about themselves one-hundred percent of the time. A person is more worried about their own problems than anything else in the world. If you listen to people you will be embraced and liked. The fifth principle says that you should talk in the terms of the person's interest. For example if you are talking to someone who you know happens to enjoy old cars you should try and facilitate the conversation around that.
If you talk to people about what they want to hear they will pay attention for hours. The important thing is to keep their interest without talking too much. The last principle in section two relates to the previous principle of admiration. Dale suggests that you indirectly refer to the person of being more important than you, for example make them think that their job is of greater importance than yours. Make the person feel important and admired, more importantly do it sincerely. Section three deals with how to win people over to your way of thinking.
The first principle in this section is the only way to get out of an argument is to avoid it. Listen to what the person is saying and then try to rationalize their situation and objectively and most important offer an unbiased solution to the problem. Principle two is to show respect for other people's opinion. Never ever tell them that they are wrong and you are right. This instills a sense of unwanted competition and may cause people to strike back. No matter how much you argue and whether or not you know that you are right, do not argue.
Arguing with some one insults their intelligence and will get you no where. People do not think they are right, they know they are right. A crucial element in avoiding a argument is to offer your opinion calmly and also admit that you yourself could be wrong. This makes the other person feel less threatened and his or her pride is not jeopardized.
Approach the issue together, examine all the facts; this allows for the other persons to take the easy way out in admitting that they might be wrong. The third principle in this section states, if you are wrong admit it quickly and empathically. People will respect you if you can admit it when you are wrong. It is also important to ridicule yourself and judge yourself harshly, especially around other people. People will respond warmly and with encouragement. By admitting yourself wrong you can turn a potentially harsh lecture into a speech of praise.
Principle four establishes that if you absolutely can not avoid an argument, then try to approach it in a friendly way. Again this makes the others feel less threatened and they are more willing to change their way of thinking. It is like the old saying, "you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar." Principle five determines the importance of establishing a positive attitude from the start. Get the person to say yes as fast as you can.
Ask questions that will lead to "yes" answers and perhaps even more importantly ask questions that lead into your point. Once a person answers a question with the answer no, it makes them feel like their pride is on the line and they will be more reluctant to change their position. Studies have proven that the whole body reacts when someone answers no. Muscles tense up and people are in a defensive state of mind. At this point it would be highly unlikely to be able to persuade some one to change their mind. Always ask gentle nonabrasive questions.
The key is to not even give them the option of going on the defensive. Keep them happy, calm, and saying yes and you will receive the desired answers and cooperation. Principle five explains that you should be willing to listen to others complaints and ideas. Sit and listen and be sure to ask a few easy questions just to let them know that you are actively listening.
Even sometimes the issue will resolve itself just by talking it out. People need sound boards to just let all their concerns and frustration out. You being that sound board will allow the other person to confide in you and be secure with your ideas. Principle six establishes that it is helpful to let the other person think that they solved their own problem, this lets them feel confident and secure in themselves again. To do this just sit and listen and make a few small suggestions, act like a guide to their solution, but let them get there on their own. Principle seven is no one wants solicited advise, they want to feel like they are acting on their own advice and their own solutions.
Try not to give direct advise, but to drop hints and eventually they will figure it out for themselves. Principle eight reemphasizes the important's of being humbly honest and trying to see things from the other side of the fence. Principle nine is a conglomerate of the previous four principles. Principle nine just says that you must be sympathetic and honest to all concerns. Try not to argue and offer subtle advise to lead them to the desired answer. A key phrase Dale finds helpful in these situations is this, "I don't blame you at all for the way you do.
I would feel the same if I were you." This phrase will eliminate and hostility, bad feelings, and shows that you have good intentions. The tenth principle in section three is to appeal to nobler motives. Everyone has two reasons for doing what they; one is because it sounds good and two is in general the real decision maker; how this will beni ft them. So with this in mind appeal to the benefits to them.
This will motivate them and to cooperate with your ideas. A good tip to remember is to make your ideas dramatic. This will entertain them and keep their interest, you have to present your concept more and enthusiastic ly than the other ten guys before you. You are essentially selling the validity of your concepts. The last resort is to appeal to the competitive side of people. If you can some way turn the situation into a competition this will work to your advantage.
Competition brings out the very best in people. People will go the extra ten miles let alone the extra mile to win. This is one of your most powerful tools. Section four is the last section of the book.
This section focuses on how to be a leader and change their way of thinking with out coming of offensively. The first principle is if you must criticize pad the blow with praise. Dale compares this principle to the work of a dentist. The dentist gives you a pain killer before he drills holes in your mouth. Praise eases the pain and discomfort of criticism. The second principle instructs you how to criticize properly, with out being hated for it.
If you have to criticize some one, do it indirectly. Drop very very subtle hints and suggests that it is a good idea but it could be even better if you changed or added this. Subtly will allow them to figure the mistake out and correct themselves and still save face. Principle three focuses on the flip side of the second principle. The third step is to criticize yourself and point out your own mistakes as often as possible. In this you can state the faults of others without being resented.
Principle four suggests that is easier to cooperation by making suggestions rather than giving orders. Instead of telling some one to do something you need done, suggests that the issue needs attention or what ever fits the situation. This will guarantee results with out anger or resentment. Also in doing this you will getter better results, if you allow people to think they took the initiative and will perform better. Principle five shows you how to avoid embarrassing others. It goes along with the big picture, allow people to figure out their own mistakes and allow them to correct their own mistakes.
Do not destroy them even though you could do so easily. Always give the other person the first chance to save face, even if it makes you look bad. Principle six is a key element to your success. It might be the easiest and simplest of the whole book. Simply praise everything and praise often.
Even the most minuscule little thing deserves credit; people will gain confidence and self-respect with even the slightest encouragement and praise. Principle seven in dealing with how to be a good leader explains that you should give the person a reputation to live up to rather than themselves making there own reputation. If you give a person a good reputation they will try their hardest to live up to the expectation and Dale suggest that they will very rarely let you down. I choose this book for my report because for one I started reading it last year but until now never had finished it. The other reason is because through out all my classes in the recreation department I have always been told of the importance of making contacts along the way. This book is an excellent tool in dealing with how to make the very best first impression, especially when the encounter might only last a few seconds.
In this industry everyone is thing to get a head often times their own way. The principles in this book give detailed examples of how to work together and win people over to the ideas you have. Perhaps more importantly these techniques allow you to get ahead as a team in a industry that is so competitive. The things I have learned in this book I have already found myself in situations where I am applying Dale's concepts.
This book will be an important tool in my life and everyone in every industry should do themselves a favor and read this book.