Comparison Levels To The Relationship example essay topic

The theory that will be used in this paper is the Social Exchange Theory. This theory deals with social exchanges within relationships that are fairly similar to exchanges described in economics. The theory assumes that self-interested actors who transact with other self-interested actors do so to accomplish individual goals that they cannot achieve alone. The actor / individual within the relationship each contains something of value to the other, therefore, the two decide whether to exchange and if so, in what amounts (Lawler & The, 1999). The key concepts that are most common with the social exchange theory are: rewards, costs and reciprocity (Sprechen, 1998).

Rewards are considered to be the positive and gratifying results (i. e., loyalty, happiness, attention) an individual feels after evaluating an exchange between their self and their partner. Costs on the other hand are viewed as the negatives or the losses (i. e., stress, time, energy) an individual feels after performing an exchange. To view this information from another perspective, a mathematical formula, one would take the rewards minus their costs, which would, in turn, equal their outcome. If a person feels as if they have resulted in more positives than negatives then they are considered to have received benefits and / or profits from the relationship thus far.

On the other hand, if a person feels they have received more negatives than positives, then they are considered to have received costs and / or losses from the relationship. Reciprocity, the third concept of social exchange theory, basically states that an individual gives back to their partner selflessly and without costs to the individual. This exchange is performed because of a sense of wanting to give back to the individual who has given to them in whatever way. Since relationships are interdependent, they are not completely in the hands of an individual.

Partners must work together to create as well as maintain their relationship. According to SET (Social Exchange Theory), the worth of a relationship predicts its outcome. For example, positive relationships are more likely to be prolonged, while the negative relationships are more likely to be terminated. By evaluating a relationship, an individual focuses on two aspects of comparison levels. The first, comparison level, refers to a standard of what people feel they should receive in the way of rewards and costs in a particular relationship. These standards are derived from either past experiences or by simply observing relationships around them.

The second, comparison level alternative, refers to the minimal level of relational rewards that an individual is willing to accept. These alternatives come from rewards that are available from choosing alternative relationships or rewards that are available from remaining alone (Chapter 12, Social Exchange Theory). For me, the most appealing aspect of this theory is its involvement with events in my own personal life. To be more specific, it played (although not knowing it at the time) a big role in a yearlong relationship I once had with an ex-girlfriend.

The theory perfectly portrays just what our relationship was really all about. It describes how her (Emily) and I interacted with one another and what our expectations were of each other during our relationship together. About two years ago I embarked upon a relationship that I initially thought was going to be a happy, long-lived, relationship. Unfortunately, as time progressed, Emily and I could not find satisfaction with each other no matter how hard we tried.

If there were moments of pleasure and joy, they were definitely minimal and temporal. Emily and I, as we later discovered, were two different people with two very different outlooks on what a relationship should be like. Our expectations from the relationship and our actions within the relationship had two very different meanings. I consider myself more of a person who longs for closeness with a partner, an affectionate person. Emily, on the other hand, placed less emphasis on that aspect of the relationship, asserting herself as more of an "independent" person. Throughout the relationship I invested a lot of time and energy into trying to make her feel happy, special and loved.

This was simply because of my nature and the kind of person that I am. A few of the things I would do to achieve this were to unexpectedly bring her flowers, buy her gifts, take her out on dates and most of all, display a strong level of love and commitment. Emily, however, was not as responsive to these gestures of affection, nor did she take time out of her schedule to return the favor. Emily was never really too keen on surprises or giving gifts out of the blue. A lot of her conversations with me dealt more with her and her problems, and not so much showing any concern for me or my well being.

When Emily was either down or dealing with something that was bothering her, I would try and say a few things to comfort her and support her. During one instance I said to her, "Don't worry, things will get better". In response she said, "Don't tell me things will get better. I KNOW things will get better". This came off as a fairly rude response considering that I was just trying to be supportive. The ironic thing about the whole relationship is that when I thought I was giving 110% and she was giving only 50%, she felt just the opposite about me.

As our relationship continued, it slowly but surely began to sour and dither, finally ending in a break up leaving us to remain friends. Applying this situation to the SET helped to shed more light onto the relationship than it did at the time. As I look back, I can see how my costs began to outweigh my benefits, which eventually resulted in a "dead" relationship. Investing a lot of time into trying to make Emily feel loved and special, I feel that she did not take the time to invest the same amount for me. My costs in the relationship would have been simply the surprise gifts, the flowers, the support and verbally asserting the love I had for her and my concern for the relationship. Reciprocity in her case was slim to none.

Even though I invested time and effort into making her happy, she did not feel she had to give back to me or return the favor. That is when my benefits in the relationship decreased. Benefits for me would have been the "little things" she would do, on rare occasions, to make me feel loved and special. Emily never said, "I love you" to me verbally, it was only through letters or e-mail did she express this. I would have considered benefits to be Emily's understanding that I was always there to try and comfort her and encourage her when times were tough.

However, in the previous example, my words of support were usually shot down, thrown back in my face and dismissed. Eventually, I began seeking out other alternatives to try and make this relationship work. I began observing other relationships around me to try and see what they were doing differently and why they appeared to be happy together. I received input from close friends searching for suggestions and trying to figure out what I was, or what we were, doing wrong. When there was no sign of a possible solution, I began to evaluate other alternatives. I felt this was right at the time because I was dealing with a lot of hurt and my costs were exceeding my benefits fairly significantly.

So, I decided to tell Emily that within the relationship, I felt I was giving it my all trying to make it work out. This was explained by informing her about the "little things" I constantly did for her, while receiving no signs of thankfulness, by the way I would compliment her and show support for her, to only be rejected. My main concern to her was the fact that rarely did she ever verbalize the words, I love you, to me even though she explained that she did using other "methods". Being an affectionate and loving person, I invested these characteristics and qualities into this relationship, desperately looking for a similar response. When I began to receive none in return, I subconsciously started to view my costs as outweighing my benefits.

Emily, of course, was not able to understand my concern and even felt that I was being unfair and looking at the situation all wrong. Therefore, when no changes were made to try and make the relationship work, I felt the only alternative left was for us to break up. Being alone, offered more benefits than did my involvement in our relationship together. Evaluating this theory and applying it to a past relationship such as the one with Emily and I, it really helps bring more of an understanding as to why we weren't able to get along as a couple. At the time of our relationship, I never really looked at the time, the efforts and the emotions involved as costs or benefits. I think that if I were to of applied this theory then, Emily and I probably would have assessed our situation a lot better and with more understanding.

I think, however, that subconsciously, I felt I was investing a lot more effort into the relationship than she was and I was exceeding my benefits with costs. This ultimately let to my decision for us to call it quits as a dating couple. What I found interesting about the theory was applying the comparison levels to the relationship. When I was starting to doubt the relationship, I began observing others and asking them to try and find what differences there were with them and us. Unknown to me at the time, this clearly coincides with the comparison levels used in SET. When I wasn't able to find any kinds of answers or solutions, I turned to the comparison level alternative where I actually chose an alternative to the relationship, which was to break up.

As for the element of reciprocity, I felt that in this situation I was the only one who felt that I should give back to Emily as much as possible despite the lack of what she did for me. I think that this played a major part in my adding up of the costs I invested into the relationship. In the future I feel that this theory will make me more aware of my relationships with others with respect to the worth and longevity of it. It will also help me to look at the relationship not so much from my perspective, but from hers as well. This way I can be able to evaluate the degree of fairness between the two of us before, during and after exchanges are made.