Feeling Of Being example essay topic

This piece is nothing but the contents of my brain. It is the regurgitation of the thoughts and philosophies that have gathered dust in my mind through the months I've been idle. This whole thought process was ignited by a "d'ej'a vu" that occurred Saturday the 9th. Years ago I would attend parties and, instead of gargling down mass amounts of alcohol or dabbling in illegal substances, I observed and analyzed the people around me. Doing this gave me a deeper understanding of myself and I was a better person for it. Since then, I had succumbed to peer pressure and was right in the middle of the alcohol consumption at each party.

But somehow, last Saturday, I found myself back in time: I was at some random party the other day and for once I opted not to drink or be under the influence of some brain cell depleting drug. It seemed I was the only sober and fully functioning individual among these kids. I looked around me and I realized that everyone was running from something, from someone. And this lifestyle - the alcohol, the drugs, the partying, the gathering just to have some sort of human interaction, longing to show off just to feel better about oneself - all of this allowed them to get away. It's almost sad.

But almost like looking into a huge mirror. They were all broken in a sense, like me, but with different masks to cover their true selves. It was quite odd and I found myself staring at these drunken bastards, trying to figure out what it was they were running away from. It was sort of amusing. Everything was so plastic and fake - all the smiles, the hugs, the hellos and goodbyes. It was all meaningless.

I'm so sick of everything. I try to change my environment but it's the same. I feel helpless in my own downward spiral. I can't figure things out. I'm trying, I'm trying with every strength of my being, but every effort seems futile. It feels like my little world is caving, sorry to be clich'e, but that's what it feels like.

I try to separate myself from that reckless lifestyle, but I end up alone and left with too much time alone with my thoughts. So I go back and I just feel so incompetent around all these kids. I know my actions and self-pity is inexcusable, yet I allow myself to fall prey to the adolescent curse, which is to fuck up immensely. I know in my mind I can be better, yet in my sorry attempt to feel normal, I choose to join the flock of pigeons. So here I am, left with my own thoughts again, echoing in this dejected box of a room. But I have learned not to expect so much.

So at least I won't set myself up for a letdown. I've also learned not to ask for so much, because wishing and hoping is worthless not to mention pointless. I don't expect or want pity, because when you expect things, you are prone to disappointment. So allow me to put on my smile and tell you everything is okay. Some people have a form of escape from the rigors and chaos that daily life brings, but I have nothing. I somehow find release in my writings, yet in an ironical way it is the constant reminder of the thoughts that constantly plague my mind.

Then I find myself falling victim to my own brain. It's an invariable struggle within myself and when I try to get my mind off of it, I feel like a coward for trying to run away from my problems. In the end it all comes down to me. I am the cause of my own destruction because I am to blame. But I'd rather have fault in myself rather than blame someone else for my problems.

At this very moment, things are on a stand still. I don't feel any better or any worse. And let me tell you, this has to be the worst feeling ever. Because at least when you " re in pain, that hurt solidifies your humanness. But this feeling of emptiness, this feeling of being caught between an action and a reaction, it makes you feel like you " re not human.

Because you are not feeling anything, meaning you " re not human. And isn't that what being human is about? Feeling? God.

What a mind fuck..