Feelings Of Abandonment example essay topic

COPING WITH HEART BREAK. OVER VIEW II. METHODOLOGY. REASONS OF BREAKING UP IV. PHASES ONE HAS TO GO THROUGH AFTER THE BREAK. EFFECTS OF SEPARATION VI.

COPING STRATEGIES VII. ANNEXES a. Respondent's Form V. BIBLIOGRAPHY OVER VIEW We hear about love all around us, in music and movies, on TV, in stories. If you look in the dictionary, they define love as a tender, warm feeling; warm liking; affection; attachment. Love is simply a choice we make when we find someone who makes us happy, and who we trust with our innermost thoughts and feelings. We hear that love will make us happy.

We hear that single people are lonely. We are told that if we are not part of a couple, we are not complete. We all want to be part of this thing called 'love'. Okay, we get a boyfriend or girlfriend, now everything should be perfect. But, it's not perfect, because life never is. It is easy to become disappointed.

Feelings can change. One person may decide to say good-bye. When that happens, the one left behind will feel rejected. Rejection means someone choosing between one thing and another. The one who doesn't get chosen is rejected. This person who feels rejected thinks as if they are not good enough.

It hurts. When the person you love decides to leave you, it is even more painful. Does rejection mean failure? No. The end of a relationship means that the boyfriend or girlfriend decided that's / he wanted a change in the path of their lives. The reasons for this are within the ex - not within the rejected person.

No one is a less valuable person because their boyfriend or girlfriend's feelings have changed. The bad thing about getting dumped or abandoned is it costs us our self-esteem. We feel a full tidal wave of rejection bring us to our knees, sucking the wind out of our sails. We form an inner-hate and get caught in a self-destructive mode. We create within ourselves intense feelings of rejection, isolation, and a profound loss of love, acceptance, and control. When we are dumped it creates a grief that is far more intense than the loss of love through death.

With death the person who has died has not consciously elected to withdraw their love for you. You get a sense of closure and finalization. Death has no possibilities of changing its mind! But when we are dumped the person has made the decision to withdraw from you and desert you.

They have rejected you, turned their back to you, and, often times, moved on to someone else. Getting 'dumped' hurts like hell. It sucker-punches the very air out of us and leaves us feeling alone, lost, and hopeless. We lose our very selves when the person we love makes the conscious decision to leave us. The grief of being abandoned can quickly progress to extreme sadness, self doubt, insecurity, and fear. Abandonment drains our self-esteem.

It can lead to depression, addictions, compulsions, and uncontrollable anxiety or panic attacks. In extreme cases, some are left with suicidal thoughts. If left unresolved, abandonment can interfere with - or even prevent - any healthy future relationships. Once in this cycle, we will often find ourselves abandoned over and over again, as we become either blocked from fully connecting to others, or struggle with extreme-attachment for fear of being abandoned again. We may accept abuse and infidelity, just to avoid feelings of abandonment. Sometimes we remain in a panic-like state of obsessiveness and hyper-vigilance towards our abandoned, or inner focused on our own pain and hurt.

We often carry with us feelings of being deserted, needy, and demoralized. Eventually, our lack of self-control makes us feel like a victim within our own creation, causing self hatred, harm, or injury. Curing the grief that surrounds you is to find happiness within you. Sounds impossible, but it isn't. It is not only very possible, it has been there all along. If it weren't you would have curled up in a ball at the foot of the one who left you, and died.

And, yes, you might have felt that way, but did you do it? No! Because you still know, buried deep inside of you, that your ex was not the be-all to your life. And how do I know that? Because you are here, reading this, looking for answers to your pain.

Searching for help to mend your abandoned self! You have the courage and the desire to 'continue on'. You believe in you, you have faith in life, and you are aware of your capacity to love again. A new and better life is not only possible, not only probable, but a plain and simple fact. But right now, you just hurt. And you hurt bad.

And you want to know why. Well... look at it this way. You loved someone. You loved them very much. And they abandoned you. You thought the world of them and they crushed your heart and stole your dreams.

Wow - so much power they have... to be able to inflict such heavy and massive destruction to your well-being. And with this 'imposed' power they become almost 'God-like' to you. You subconsciously fear this power, and by fearing it, the object of your power - your ex - actually becomes almost like an obsession to you. You think about them all the time, You dream of them. They " re the first thought in your head when you wake and the last when you go to sleep. And this constant dwelling confuses you.

You actually come to believe that you love them and need them far more than you actually do. And, what about the one who abandoned you? Here are some facts to ponder: Some abandon ers often times feel powerful in the fact that they can and have inflicted so much emotional pain on someone. They feel almighty in the knowledge that they have, alone, created such extensive devastation. They might even feel a heightened sense of self-importance. Sadly, their ego may be exaggerated as they witness either the begging and pleas, or the hopeless, lost agony coming from you.

(Often abandon ers will not openly admit to these feelings of triumph. Hiding these emotions, they will more often than not, tend to relay feeling of guilt or regret, either for causing the other person pain, or simply because they are 'sorry that the relationship didn't work out'. However, for many abandon ers the guilt is very real. To diminish their own guilt, and justify their decision to end the relationship, they will, often point the finger away from them, blaming the other person (you) for the breakup, or for the problems in the relationship. They will attempt to save their own face at all costs.

Even the cost of you. They often come off as callous, heartless, or cruel to the ones they left behind. Many 'dum pees' have come up to me and asked, 'How can they just move on so easily, and not hurt like I do? How can someone who claimed they loved me just two weeks ago, this week announce to the world that I am a neurotic bitch?' Let me point out that many who make the choice to leave and end a relationship do not set out directly to cause hurt and pain.

Their main goal is to find happiness and personal fulfillment, not to directly cause hurt to someone they care about. REASONS FOR BREAKING UP Women have more complaints about their partners and marriages, compared to men Brehm, 1985). Is this because women are more critical and want more or because men give less? I'd guess both.

Women initiate the break up of dating more often than men. Although the underlying 'causes' are unknown, these are the commonly stated marital problems (Whiten, 1986): 1. Partners may have very different role expectations, . Make these decisions jointly, honestly, and openly, Research indicates, contrary to popular belief, that the wife's working outside the home does not increase marital problems or harm the children's development. 2.

Poor 'communication ' is the most common complaint (68%) among couples seeking counseling. The average couple talk only 4 minutes per day! 3. Sexual problems (see end of chapter) occur in about 45% of the couples seeking counseling. But sex may not be the basic problem; you don't want to make love if you are uptight, sad, or mad. 4.

Sometimes couples drift apart. They seek different friends, develop new interests, grow in different directions. When there are few common interests, it is a problem. 5. There are other common problems -- jealousy, being taken for granted, unfaithfulness, criticism and nagging, bossiness, clinging dependency, domination, abuse, loss of love, self-centered ness, etc., etc. Don't expect it to be easy; there are many challenging barriers to having a good relationship.

A list of warning signs: less respect and more disappointment in the other, more anger-arguments, more negative criticism, more blaming, doing less together, feeling lonely or neglected, less sex, less trust, less joint decision-making, less sharing of thoughts and feelings, less helping, less touching. Pay attention to these problems as soon as they occur and get to the root of the problem. Destructive communication in a relationship Communication is, of course, important in a relationship. But, communication includes every message -- every feeling, every desire, every thought that is conveyed to the other person.

Some communication is helpful, some is destructive. The most useful knowledge is knowing how to avoid the unhappy, harmful interactions. Seeing how happy and unhappy couples communicate differently might help. Several researchers have studied this and summarized the results (Brehm, 1985; Der lega, 1984; Gottman, 1979, 1994). Gottman says our stereotype of a happy relationship is a couple who like each other, understand each other well, and settle disputes easily. Yet, some stable relationships do not fit our stereotype: some are volatile (fighting openly but making up passionately) and others carefully avoid conflicts, i.e. they don't 'work things out' but agree to disagree (Gottman, 1994).

Apparently happy couples have developed various ways of handling the inevitable conflicts, unhappy couples haven't. Unhappy couples first criticize the partner's behavior but that gradually evolves into attacking his / her personality which eventually degenerates into expressing abusive contempt. Naturally the attacked partner becomes defensive, perhaps by saying 'it's not my fault,' by feeling indignant and counter-attacking, or by completely withdrawing emotionally (stonewalling). Both the attacks, usually by women, and the defensive refusal to deal with the issues, usually by men, are big parts of the problem. Men, in unhappy relationships especially, do not listen to the verbal messages nor pick up on their wives' non-verbal messages. Unhappy couples frequently just exchange hostile accusations ('You don't care about me -- only about yourself') whereas happy couples may argue, even yell, but would then explore the topic more ('Are you really as unconcerned with this problem as you look?' ), ending up resolving the difficulty.

This is a summary: Poor communicators Good communicators A steady flow of criticism & putdowns or blaming Accentuate the positive and the hopes for the future Neither partner feels cared for and listened to; too busy defending self Both partners try to stay calm, see the other's point, and show respect, look for a compromise Get off the topic, find no solutions (throwing all kinds of complaints & insults at the partner) Stay on topic, be specific about the problem rather than expressing contempt, find a solution both can accept " Mindread' (see ch. 9) and 'psychoanalyze' the partner; name-call, show contempt by mocking, rolling eyes, insulting them, Yes-but (see ch. 9) and counter-attack; do a lot of interrupting Listen carefully, give empathy and positive responses, assume responsibility for your own feelings ('I's tatements), overlook the insults and focus on the complaint. State tentative opinions, not absolute certainties Show a determination not to 'give in,' anger, and, eventually, deadly silence Understand and forgive each other, both give in about 75% of the time Respond to criticism with defensiveness, such as denying everything, making excuses, charging he / she is emotional Respond to criticism as useful information (not an insult), a little empathy will work miracles.

Just not responding -- tuning them out -- when you are fed up with the attacks: stonewalling Realize that stonewalling is an insult; it says you are contemptible and not worth listening to. You must listen for the pain (and hear the unspoken plea to improve the relationship) Gottman found that in most relationships the female is the one who tries to maintain the relationship. So, when she is unhappy, she complains and gets emotional. Men don't like negative emotions, so they try to downplay the emotions and rationally solve the problem... or men withdraw. His withdrawal makes the female even madder. Sometimes she will suggest a truce or some solution, but often in the heat of battle both go on 'emotional overload,' feeling contempt for each other.

The couple gradually comes to think of and remember their marriage negatively. The failing relationship typically dies a slow death when the male shows little understanding, gets irate, and starts hard-core blaming ('You " re full of hate' or 'You " re so stupid'), which makes it hard for the female to give in or compromise. Finally, she grows bitter too and the relationship fails. Fortunately, if caught soon enough, the warring couple can learn to increase the positive feelings and actions and decrease the negative. Gottman says the main task is not to solve (or stop) every argument but to stop the escalating bitterness. So good communication skills are needed, especially 'I's tatements and empathy responses.

Gender differences in communicating are discussed in chapter 9 (Gray, 1993; Tannen, 1990). In general, women are more socially sensitive than men. They are better listeners, more empathic in some ways, and give more comforting (warm, caring) responses. On the other hand, young boys and adolescent males are more likely than same-aged girls to act on their empathic feelings for others, i.e. to give concrete help (Brehm, Powell & Coke, 1984). Furthermore, some evidence indicates that married men, when interacting with their wives, do more 'good communicating' than married women, including showing concern for the wife's feelings, reassuring their wives, seeking forgiveness, suggesting compromises, and remaining calm and problem-oriented when arguing (Rush, Barry, Hertel, & Swain, 1974). Actually, both sexes need to be good at detecting nonverbal cues.

Early in a romantic relationship, the ability of women to read a males nonverbal cues seems to be important in building intimacy. Later, during periods of conflict, the woman's nonverbal skills and control of the male seem to be critical in avoiding destructive fights (Brehm, p. 209, 1985). On the negative side, Tannen (1990) says women show more strong negative emotions during a conflict. They are more demanding, using threats, 'guilt trips,' and personal attacks to persuade.

They send more double messages: smile and say, 'You " re terrible!' This research also suggests women more often reject their husbands' attempts at reconciliation. In another study, White (1989) says that dissatisfied spouses in troubled relationships (both men and women) attack, threaten, and walk out during fights, but the difference is that women are more open to making up, accepting the partner's plans, showing concern, and appealing to fairness. There seems to be a difference of opinion about which sex makes up first. I suspect 'making up' is a function of how angry the person is, the seriousness of the issue, general satisfaction with the relationship, more than a gender difference. There is some general agreement among women about men, however. Their major complaint, bordering on calling males socially retarded, is that men are noncommunicative and lack emotional responsiveness.

Men avoid interactions when dissatisfaction is or may be expressed. Could it be males' way of avoiding uncontrolled anger that would be regretted? Otherwise, how do we square this accusation of inaction with the evidence in chapter 7 of intense action by males involving verbal and physical abuse? We probably need to make a distinction between what is called 'conflicts' and the verbal or physical abuse situations. Perhaps quiet inaction and violent verbal or physical explosions are just two separate steps on the escalator from irritation to bitterness. In a very general sense and in milder disagreements, the sexes seem to be at odds: women give more emotional responses and want an emotional response back.

Men give more informational, unemotional responses and want practical, constructive, rational responses back. Neither response is bad, so if both sexes could learn to give both kinds of responses, we might be on the right track to improving understanding and relations between the sexes (see Tannen, 1990; Gray, 1993). Other skills would help too. 'Communication' is often given rather glibly as the solution to relationship problems. It is no cure all; people who hate each other often communicate very well. One might ask, 'Which comes first the poor communication or the resentment?' I'd say anger comes first most of the time.

As emphasized, there are many communication skills that can help a strained relationship. We can learn to listen better and be more assertive instead of hostile; we can improve our social skills by role playing and learning to use 'I's tatements and empathy responses; we can check out our hunches, fight fairly, and negotiate compromises we can reduce our anger. PHASES ONE HAS TO GO THROUGH AFTER BREAK UP According to the book, "The Complete Idiots Guide To Dating", there are nine stages of rejection that almost all "dum pees" must go through. The pain may be awful, but each stage is part of the healing process.

The stages may not follow in an exact order, but they will all be experienced. These phases are all healthy ways to recover from a breakup. The Denial Phase: "This can't be happening". During this stage, people may find themselves waiting for the phone to ring and not believing that the relationship is over. Some people may go through feelings of worthlessness and obsession. These people are ones who lack coping skills.

Solution: Acknowledge your feelings about what has happened. Accept, but do not dwell on shame and embarrassment, and all the 'should al / would a / could a's'. The Bargaining Phase: Driving yourself crazy, thinking that, "If I get my hair cut", or "If I don't call her for a week", 's / he will change his / her mind. Solution: Accept that it's over. The Loneliness Phase: Feeling as if no one understands or cares.

Some people will jump at the first person who shows the slightest interest in them, just for the fact of proving that they can still get someone to want them. Solution: Surround yourself with people who do care, and those who openly say so. Remind yourself often that you are loved. The Heartbreak Phase: Feeling like your heart is really breaking.

You may even feel pain in your chest, or want to throw up when you think of the person or see the person with someone else. Solution: You can go on. If you " re feeling really bad, snap your fingers to interrupt the thought. The Blame Phase: Pointing the finger at you or at your ex for what each of you did wrong. Solution: Decide that neither of you are at fault and both of you are responsible for the breakup.

The Depression Phase: ...