Front Of The Class example essay topic

Matt B 2/14/05 PY 129 Persuasion Paper Hello, woman who sits in the front of the class. I may not have your name, but I do have some unfortunate news for you. You should never go out with me. We all know it would have happened.

Everybody knows what's on a woman's mind, and how could I not notice things like the way you stare at me in class, it's just so distracting. I'm just trying to stop this very attractive problem before it's too late. This paper will save you from years of therapy and gallons of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough. Don't feel bad, it's not you, well actually it is; but you can still choose from the other 10 guys in our class who mysteriously all sit in a circle around you! I just don't think things would work out between us. I believe that I have a pretty good idea of what kind of a person you are from being in your logic class and never talking to you once.

Our close and personal relationship gives me insight to who you are, and why we aren't right for each other. First, your too predictable and boring for me, second, your not willing to change, and third, I don't think you could satisfy me. Variety is the spice of life! Mix things up a bit. You sit in the same seat every day, who does this?

Don't you ever wonder what it feels like to sit someplace else? I wouldn't be able to stand that kind of compliancy. Another testament to your predictability, is the fact that you never have a story to tell about how your weekend was. This means either one of two things. 1) You do nothing on weekends. Your idea of fun is watching the Lifetime channel.

You go to Six Flags and enjoy such rides as 'Teacups,' 'Ferris wheel,' and 'Dirty bench by the hotdog stand. ' 2) Just the opposite. Maybe you frequent S&M clubs or rob orphans on the weekends. Whatever it is, it probably makes the baby Jesus cry. You disgust me.

So start enjoying the finer, more fun things in life. Until then, though, I just don't think your ready for my kind of excitement. You most likely do a variety of things, or have some qualities that are unattractive to me, and you are also unwilling to change them. I know this because of our many interactions together, where you have revealed to me your deepest secrets and habits. I can also probably guess a few of them. Do you own 25 cats?

Do you jump in front of cars and sue the driver? Do you kick kittens? Do you require a colostomy bag to be strapped to your leg at all times? Do you have a forest of matted pubic hair?

Do you like those goddamned Fanta commercials they play before every movie? And worst of all, do you like country music? I'm sure the answer to all of the above is, yes. It's okay to have problems, or bad qualities, but to be unwilling to change them, to not want to better yourself, that's just inexcusable. Just one more reason you shouldn't try and talk to me. I'm just not attracted to people like that.

Now the main reason this wouldn't work out, is that I just don't think you could satisfy me. I need more than just a pretty face, you know. I need somebody to bring home the bacon, AND fry it up in a pan. Are you gettin' paid? Can you cook? I plan on being a trophy husband.

I don't have the time to do things like get a job, go to college, walk up stairs, etc. Most women aren't capable enough to be able to buy me pretty gifts, hold intelligent conversations, be witty, funny, and still be a dynamo in the sack. So how can I be sure that you'd be up to the task? Ok, I'll be serious now.

It's best that you never try to give me your e-mail or phone number. You need to be more spontaneous, work on that whole kitten kicking thing, and learn to satisfy. Until you do, we just wouldn't get along. We'd fight all the time, I'd win... you know how it goes. So go find a nice guy to buy you Valentine's day cards, and by now you " ve probably figured out that I'm not the guy for that.

I mean, you can figure stuff like that out, you " re obviously a smart girl, (since you " ve chosen the same class as me). So you probably understand men better than most women, and you " ve probably already realized that you, being a woman, and me, being a challenging man, you couldn't handle me..