Harry Silver's Failed Marriage example essay topic

Marriage can be defined as a socially sanctioned union typically consisting of a man and a woman - a husband and a wife. This marital institution is the emotional and economical bond between the 2 individuals, forming a household. Thus, marriage grants the rights and obligations to the couple in raising children, owning property, sexual behaviour, kinship ties, inheritance, emotional intimacy and love (Wikipedia 1). However, as with any human relationship, dissimilar demands bring about conflict and misunderstanding. There are numerous reasons for a marital breakdown - from common ones like poor communication, financial difficulties, lack of commitment, dramatic change in priorities and infidelity; to the less common like failed expectations or unmet needs, addictions and substance abuse, physical, sexual or emotional abuse, and lack of conflict resolution skills (American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers 2). In Man & Boy and Man & Wife, English author Tony Parsons focuses on infidelity and failed expectations as primary causes of the breakdown in Harry Silver's marriages with Gina and subsequently, Cyd.

Having lived through a failed marriage himself, Parsons was able to create vivid instances and portrayals in both books (BBC Books 1). Using writing as a means of conveying a message, he wrote about the incidences of wrecked marriages, yet gave readers a brim of hope as the final outcome. In these two books, Parsons writes about Harry's misfortunes and struggles in regaining a consummate marital union. But his task is arduous because of varying differences between him and the other.

This existence of different expectations and desires are often, if not always, the contributing factors toward the disintegration of the marital union yet commitment and understanding can reunite both individuals. As mentioned earlier, the two key factors that contributed to Harry Silver's failed marriage were infidelity and failed expectations. His misadventure with Siobhan, a colleague from work, led to Gina's departure as soon as she came to know of it. What drove him to such an act, sacrificing the ideal life of a sound marriage and family, can be traced back to the issue regarding male promiscuity.

The idea of whether male promiscuity is hardwired in the brain or simply the result of culture and upbringing is a topic that has not been resolved nor will it ever be. A study on more than 16,000 individuals revealed that men were more disposed in having more than one sexual partner in comparison to women (The Washington Post 1). Confessions of a man: "The reason most men stray is opportunity, and the joy of meaningless sex should never be underestimated. It had been a meaningless, opportunistic coupling.

That's what I had liked most about it" (Man and Boy 43). Helen Fisher and David Buss stated that the early man was driven to have multiple sexual partners as to increase his likelihood of having offspring, while women were more particular in their mate selection as to improve chances of the man staying to support their offspring (Holloway 237). Indeed Harry's action does not adhere to regulations governed by the laws of marriage, but the resultant from the study can indicate a 'tendency', though not a justification, men face simply because of the nature of their gender. The consequence of his action led to the demise of his marriage without hope for reconcilement because Gina spared no room for second chances. Harry's infidelity could also have been "purely a case of bad judgment - a person may feel satisfied with their marriage, but a late night at the office with a co-worker and a couple of glasses of wine can lead to lack of impulse control", as mentioned by Michele Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage. Yet, this relationship could have been reconciled if both parties had taken the effort to communicate.

Poor communication, or no communication is "often a catalyst for all marital problems" (American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers 2). Firstly, Harry and Gina were a couple who got into a marriage at an age when both still needed to figure out what life is all about. The only reason they rushed into marriage was because Gina had already been "three months pregnant with Pat on our wedding day" (Man and Boy 11). In Western culture, it is not unusual for couples to engage in premarital sex nowadays but having parents from a generation that upholds moral values might have been the reason for this abrupt decision.

The issue revolving premarital sex has greatly changed over the years, where once such an act was considered strictly immoral has now taken a lighthearted perspective. In a poll, 21 percent of young people back in 1969 considered premarital sex as acceptable but more recently, the number has risen to 60 percent. By engaging in premarital sex, the excitement and anticipation of sex diminishes when the couple marries and "this can often be a barrier". Such couples also tend to be sexually less active throughout their married life to the point of only having sex for the purpose of conceiving (Fritz inger 6).

Although Harry did love Gina, when he thinks of what he did like about her, it clearly shows a man who had his motives all wrong: I remembered what I had liked about her. She had the longest legs I had ever seen on a woman. But I still didn't know if that was the best basis for the love of your life. Or the worst. (Man and Boy 13) The worst indeed.

Hence, when he came face to face with another irresistible young woman, he had no difficulty in following his carnal nature. Marriage is a union between two individuals brought together by not just physical but emotional chemistry as well. Gina fell in love with Harry because he was a romantic, the man who knew how to win a woman's heart. Gina also fell in love with the idea of having the perfect family that she saw in Harry's family. She came from a broken home and this drove her to desire that family she never had. As for Harry, growing up in a stable home misled him into thinking that keeping a marriage and a family together was simple matter.

But those unbroken homes can lull their children into a false sense of security... I took it for granted that every marriage would be as stable and everlasting as my mum and dad's... My parents made it look easy. But it's not easy at all. (Man and Boy 33) Hence, it shows two individuals with one common desire, "a marriage that would last forever because that's what my (Harry) parents had" and Gina who also "wanted a marriage that would last forever because that was exactly what her parents had never had" (Man and Boy 35). Upon marriage, Gina sacrificed her life's goal of wanting to work in Japan for the sake of her "two boys" (Man and Boy 20).

When Harry gives her a reason to leave him, she goes ahead and claims her life back. Without second thought, she ended a marriage that resulted from a personal disappointment. In the United Kingdom, the number of divorces increased 2 1/2 folds from the 1940's to late 1990's (Office for National Statistics 1 & 2). Functionalists such as Talcott Parsons and Ronald Fletcher state that the reason for high divorce rates and marital breakdown stems from the fact that marriage is increasingly valued.

The rise in expectations and demands causes a higher likelihood of failed relationships. Functionalism is "the theory that all elements of a culture are functional in that they serve to satisfy culturally defined needs of the people in that society or requirements of the society as a whole" (Hyper Dictionary). Thus, Fletcher claims that "a relatively high divorce rate may be indicative not of a lower but of higher standards of marriage in society" (Blair 3). Gina's disappointment ultimately led her to abandon the marriage she dearly sacrificed for and strived for the life she meant to have if it weren't for Harry. This motion caused her to reevaluate her priorities, this time her desires being placed first, and goes on to redeeming her self-worth both as a woman and a mother. Unlike women of the previous generation such as Harry's mother, such an act would only be of no benefit to them.

Women then depended on men as the sole breadwinner, but with the liberty of independence bestowed upon women today, they are able to solely support themselves with or without men. As Harry puts it: My mother was from the last generation of women who expected to be taken care of by the men they married. She saw nothing strange in letting my dad do the driving, make the money, sit in the big chair, coming back from work and scoffing his dinner - his 'tea' - like a tribal chieftain home from the wars. (Man and Wife 41) Even then, Harry's parents remained together because they worked on their differences and needs. Elizabeth, Harry's mother, gives plentiful advice and pointers on how they maintained their marriages. Things like "You have to keep falling in love with the same person" (Man and Wife 260) and that there are no guarantees for a successful marriage - "if you want guarantees, kid, buy a toaster" (Man and Wife 290).

Another well-said advice: It (marriage) changes all the time, it never stops changing. When you " re young you say - I love you because I need you. When you " re old it's - I need you because I love you. Big difference... you never stop loving each other, Harry. (Man and Wife 286) As they both parted ways, Harry meets another woman, Cyd, who also comes from a failed relationship, along with her young daughter, Peggy - the product of that former bond. These two individuals, having dealt with misfortunes in their past relationships quickly identified with one another and fashioned a bond that led to matrimonial vows.

Through the course of his marriage with Cyd, he begins to contemplate if this marriage can be any different from the last one. He comes face to face with unfamiliar circumstances - being a father to a daughter not his own, a wife who is so caught up with her booming catering business, the loss of his father, his mother's cancer, and a woman in a million. He meets Kazumi, Gina's friend from Japan who comes to London to try her luck in photography. Before he actually meets her in person, he is captivated at the well-taken photos she took of Pat, Harry's son.

That was the starting point of his 'infidelity'. He longed to meet this woman who could see Pat the way he did. And all at once I wanted to meet her. This photographer who looked at my son and saw with total clarity his gentle, laughing spirit. This stranger who saw through the careful, unsmiling mask he had learned to wear. This woman who could see my son with exactly the same eyes as me.

It was suddenly alive in my head, the thought that was the very beginning of betrayal, the most dangerous thought that a married man could ever have. She is out there. She exists. I just haven't met her yet.

(Man and Wife 78) In his second marriage to Cyd, he strives to build a relationship that will work but as mentioned before, new and unfamiliar circumstances seem to withhold him from achieving it. It can be observed that whenever Harry confronts difficulties, instead of working it out with his spouse, he conveniently meets some other woman whom he can confide in. When this happens, it becomes a recipe for catastrophe. Such a move only shuts out the spouse while encouraging infidelity - even if it were just at an emotional level. Such individuals "may lack the necessary commitment to keep their marriage afloat" (American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers 5). Commitment is very essential in aiding a troubled marriage.

According to Dr. Marilyn Heins, a troubled marriage can be worked out based on 4 C's - they are care, commitment, communication and counseling (ParentKidsRight 1). So, Harry lacks both commitment and communication in resolving his troubles. Without them, his marriage is once again doomed to failure but the only difference this time is the understanding and perseverance of the spouse that made the difference. It didn't take Cyd to be a genius to see that Harry was unhappy in his marriage to her and the fact that he might already be seeing someone else.

The key difference between Harry's two marriages is that he got a second chance at making it right with Cyd. It was when she was already leaving him - not because of infidelity, but because he couldn't figure out his desires - did Harry then finally realize what they were. He leaves Kazumi and returns to Cyd, "even if the only thing left to say was goodbye" (Man and Wife 279). When they meet, Cyd explains to Harry that "the marriage, the wedding ring, me and Peggy... it wasn't meant to make you feel trapped... it was meant to set you free" (281). Through all this circumstances and experiences, Harry finally finds the true meaning of marriage and the hardships that come along with it.

It's not leaving when the going gets tough, it's staying tough through it all. Cyd already knew what to expect from her marriage, it was Harry who had yet to learn for himself- to learn that: The tough times should bring us closer together. I (Cyd) wasn't expecting nothing but fun-packed adventure. This is a marriage, not Club Med. Sticking together through the bad times, growing stronger and closer through them - that's what it's all about. (Man and Wife 256) The concept of marriage should never be taken lightly for as sturdy as it can be, it is still vulnerable to the slightest attack.

A beautiful illustration of the vulnerability of marriage by Harry: "That's how fragile all this is, as gossamer thin as a spider's web, as intricate and fragile as that, meticulously built but easily torn apart by a few cruel, casual blows" (Man and Wife 290). Differences in expectations and desires can be conquered when there is mutual effort in achieving it. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango and after all, didn't every couple pledge to take each other "for better, for worse, ... till death do us part"?