Next Call Your Mark And Report example essay topic

If you find the other part (s) to this book then contact me, I can be found on many US and UK Boards and on internet as @{b} @{ub} A lot of this @{i}information@{ui} is only of use to Americans but I'm sure you can find a way of performing the same sort of things here in the UK. @ENDNODE @NODE HELP "Doh!" Oops don't you know how to use Amiga guide then Dopey aren't we... @ENDNODE @NODE ADDITIVES "Additives" Harmful additives are a formidable weapon against machinery, people, and processes. Additives perform one or more of the following: 1) Corrosion... sulfuric acid, for example, will corrode the gutter, eaves, and downspout of a home; dumped salt will mar a building surface or floor and kill a lawn. 2) Contamination... copper salts will rot rubber products; soap in a public or corporate fountain will create giant foam.

Or put it in a steam boiler if you " re more serious about the matter. 3) Abrasion... introduction of light, coarse materials, such as resins, to automotive fuel, or metal filings placed in the gears of industrial machinery, will create frictional havoc. 4) Impurities... adding sugar to gasoline greater harmful carbon from the burning sugar, stopping the engine. Soaps and detergents make wonderful additions to food and could even be beneficial if the target happens to be constipated. If not, then soap-laden munchies or drinks will really keep him moving.

During my stay as an invited guest of Uncle Sam I recall some dirty tricksters' making an action statement against being in KP. They liberally coated various pans and cooking vessels with GI soap. They washed mugs with a lot of soap, then neglected to rinse them before letting the utensils dry. Later, when some drinkable potion like milk or coffee was poured into the mug by some unsuspecting mark, the soap was activated. Whoosh!

Soap is also a very effective additive to containers in which food is prepared. The secret is to disguise the taste. Various other additives will do that and other tricks. A horny old pharmacist, Doctor Frank Pittlover, claims there really is a working aphrodisiac. His is almost as esoteric as the fake stuff you read about in men's magazines. Here's what Doctor Pittlover says: "It's known as yohimbine hydrochloride (C 21, H 23, O 3 N 2), an obscure sex stimulant that operates on the central nervous system.

It was the aphrodisiac used by the CIA in their MK / ULTRA scam". It is not on the Central Substances Act list -yet-and it is classed as a "veterinary aphrodisiac". That means you can get it openly from a pharmaceutical supply source. What you do with it after you get it is probably your own business. There are other references to and uses of additives in many other topical areas of your revenge... many more than could be indexed here.

"Take tea and see" is a good advertising slogan that should also alert the dirty trickster to some additives brought to our attention by herbal-tea producers. Two common products of many herbal teas have side effects that the trickster could define only as delightful. First, some teas contain the leaves, flowers, and the bark of senna plant, a tropical shrub related to our bean plant. The dried leaves, bark, and flowers of this plant are a mighty powerful laxative.

Chamomile flowers are also popular in herbal teas. Related to ragweed and goldenrod, chamomile can produce severe reactions in people sensitive to plants of that family. The trick in both cases is to obtain extracts of both products and use them in concentrated enough additive form to create the desired effect. Meanwhile, from the other end, Doctor Christopher Garwood Doyle has a prescription that could really get mark moving. Syrup of ipecac is a common purgative, easily available. Here's how Doctor Doyle uses it.

"Your mark is with you or your agent somewhere having a few drinks", the doctor outlines. "Presumably, the mark is drinking something sweet and heavy, like rum and Coke. When the mark goes to the bathroom or is otherwise out of the area, mix one tablespoon of syrup in ipecac in with the drink. "You now have a fifteen-minute waiting-or escaping, if you prefer- period for the mixture to get active. After that, bombs away! The mark will begin violent projectile vomiting, which really messes up the nearby environment and anyone else who happens to be the way.

"We first did this in medical school, using to get back at a classmate who'd turned us in to officials for having an after-hours party in our dorm with women and booze. They threw the book at us because we were supposed to be mature medical students. "The student who did this fancied himself as a real boozer", Doctor Doyle explained, "but he really was a hell of a hypocrite about it and really played pious when he turned us in. So we figured he who tattles about booze shall also toss his booze". Doctor Doyle reports that this additive will work easily with non-alcoholic drinks, too. He says the secret is to select a carrier drink that will hide the taste and consistency of the syrup.

Another good remedy for a hotshot is cascara sagrada, made from the dried root of a thorny shrub found on the American West Coast. It produces violent diarrhea. Once, Joe Kascaba introduced some cascara sagrada into a mark's orange juice. The mark was with his girlfriend and her parents in their family car. He had the "juiced" orange juice about ten minutes before getting into the car. Kascaba reminisced, "The stuff's fast acting, and we were lucky to have the girlfriend's brother as our ally, to report the action.

It hit the mark about six minutes into the trip, and in another minute he didn't even have time to yell for them to pull over. He just started letting go with loud, wet, explosive bursts. "This is all in full witness of his girlfriend and her family in a tightly packed auto. He couldn't get stopped, either. They took him to a hospital, but by then the additive was through his system and the storm had subsided. That surely is super powerful stuff".

Kascaba explained why he had taken action this explosive action, saying, "The guy was a real creep. He was always trying to make out with other girls, and since he wasn't very smooth, he used to get them drunk. This was always with other girls, of course-his regular girlfriend knew nothing about all of this. "Well, one night he pulled this crap on a friend of mine, got her drunk, messed around... she got this feeling all guilty and emotional, then got sick -puked, in fact. He thought he was macho stuff and gave her hell for it.

"We figured if he was going to act like such a censored. .. well, I'm sure you understand... ". The above trick is suggested to be used in such a place so that your mark can not easily reach a bathroom within a few minutes after the attack hits. This will cause him to literally censored his pants and drip at the heels. As a final note, Kascaba says not to use this powerful additive with older folks, because it weaken them to the point of very serous medical complications such as dehydration which may kill them. Have some respect for the elderly, think of your grandmother!

The following trick is technically a substitution and not an additive: I know of one person who visited her mark's home and emptied the hair conditioner out of his bottle, then poured Next hair remover into the conditioner bottle. She knew that Operation Substitute was a bald success when she saw her mark in a local store several weeks later, wearing a large scarf on his head. Vinegar makes a great substitute for nose drops or in nasal-spray devices. One especially nasty person also suggested it for use in eye drops. I'm not sure about that one though, sight's a precious thing. You'd better reserve that one for a very deserving person that shot your dog, wrecked your computer, busted you for phreaking, etc.

@ENDNODE @NODE AIRLINES "Airlines" Arrange to have a friend meet you at the terminal gate when you deplane. Give your friend your baggage claim checks and have him / her retrieve your bags from the carousel, then leave the baggage area with your bags. Before your friend leaves the airport with your luggage, be sure to get your claim checks back. Then, you saunter over to the baggage area, spend half an hour waiting for your bags. Ask some clerks for help, then report your "missing" luggage, showing your claim checks as proof. Very few flights ever have a clerk actually check the baggage and collect claim checks.

It's foolish, but they don't. Make a polite, but firm scene and demand satisfaction. Normally, the airline people will have you fill out a form and they will attempt to find your luggage. Obviously, they won't find it.

Bug them some... write them letters. Soon, you should get a good settlement from the airline. Don't try to pull this one on the same airline more than once! Leaving the airlines and aiming for the individual mark, you can do a lot of personal damage. For instance, if you find your mark is going to use airline travel, you could call and cancel the reservations. You might try to slip a couple rounds of pistol ammunition or a switchblade in to your mark's pocket just before he goes through the metal detector at the airport terminal.

You could also slip some drugs into his pocket at the same time. Read a book on pick pocketing to note the technique for doing this. It's quite easy. Leave accurate-looking, but totally bogus hijack scenario plans, bomb diagrams, or orders of battle for terrorist attacks in airport bars and restrooms.

This fires up both the rent-a-cops and the real security people. The security delays and resultant hassles with passengers create unhappy people who are angry at airports and airlines. Naturally, the blame for these plans must focus on your mark. If he has really been bugging you it's about time to get even! Leaving the airlines and aiming for individual mark, you can do a lot of personal damage. For instance, if you find that your mark is going to use airline travel and there are only a few travel agents in town, you could call until you find the correct one and cancel the reservations.

Or if you know the name of the airline, call their office and cancel the mark's reservations. You might try to slip a couple of rounds of pistol ammunition or a switchblade knife into your mark's pocket just before he goes through the metal detector at the airport terminal. It's quite easy since you are placing stuff back. Bill Cutcheon sometimes poses as a Moon ie, Hare Krishna devotee, or other cultist and goes to airports.

His goal is to act like a completely obnoxious fool. He really hams it up, usually getting tossed out after totally grossing out the passengers. The heat, of course, falls equally on the cults and on the airport for letting "them" behave like that. Another Cutcheon stunt is to leave accurate-looking but totally bogus hijack scenario plans, bomb diagrams, or orders for terrorists attacks in airport bars and restrooms.

Naturally, thew blame for these plans must focus on the original perpetrator of Cutcheon's problems. He says, "If some nut group's been hassling me for money, messing in my neighborhood, or otherwise being obnoxious, I'll leave evidence to pin the hijack or bomb rap on them. I got back at a motorcycle gang by doing this once, after they had sideswiped my truck and refused to pay damages". He also explains that this is a good vengeance grabber against an airport facility that has offended you. Mitch Egan of San Francisco doesn't like cultist panhandlers harassing people at airports, so he founded the Fellowship to Resist Organized Groups Involved in Exploitation, or FROG IE.

Egan and his friends use those little metal clickers shaped like frogs to ward of religious solicitors. According to Egan, thousands of people across the country are now armed with the little metal frogs, and when a religious panhandler approaches, they whip out the clicker and "Click, click, click!" the pest away. "In San Francisco, I saw two hundred people clicking away at a Krishna", Egan remarked. "They blew her right out of her socks".

He adds, "If God wants a dollar from me, he can ask for it. I'm not against religion, but I'm fed up with organized beggars". Relief is just a click away. I knew a chap who became annoyed at a Krishna who followed him out of the Indianapolis airport, verbally abusing him for not making a contribution. Having surreptitiously "armed and primed" himself, our hero suddenly stopped, whipped around, and pissed all over the startled harridan. After the few necessary seconds of attack, he calmly replaced himself, zipped up, and walked away.

A bemused security cop nearby tried to hide his laughter. @ENDNODE @NODE ANIMALS "Animals" If your mark is an oily cuss with a credibility problem you should easily pull off this stunt. It involves a cop, reporters, SPCA folks and some farm animals. Call the police and tell them you know about a cock or dog fight that's being held at your mark's home. Explain that you have no morals against animal fighting but you lost big money there last time and think the fights are fixed. Next call your mark and report to him that some people are holding dog or cock fights on his property.

Call the reporters and SPCA and tell them all about the fight. Mention that your mark and the cops have a payoff relationship. Give everyone the same general arrival time, never be too specific. Hopefully, all will sort of show up at the same time. You might manipulate things so the press and animal lovers show up first. Even if a real story doesn't develop, you have scattered some strong seeds of distrust.

If you want a stronger story, find a dead dog on the road or something and plant it near by and tell the reporters and SPCA where to find the evidence. It will be fun to hear your mark and the cops talk about everything to the reporters. Dead animals are very useful. Wait until your mark goes on a trip and will be leaving his car or house empty for several days.

Get into the car or house and stuff very large and very dead animals everywhere. Your mark will probably have to sell his car and fumigate his house when he returns. If you are bothered by big dogs chasing you just take a good quality plastic water pistol and fill it with freshly squeezed lemon juice. Shoot the fur ball right in the eyes and it " ll soon stop the canine harassment. @ENDNODE @NODE APARTMENTS "Apartments" Your mark lives in an apartment A squirt or so of Eastman 910 or a similar type glue into the lock can screw up the mark's trying to get back into the apartment after an evening on the town. It's best to save this one until late evening or on a weekend.

Of course, this same stunt would work on a house, but an apartment lockout disturbance causes more of a public scene. If the mark's apartment is an older building with wooden door frames and you can work quietly and quickly at night, you can lock him / her in the apartment from the outside. Quietly fix a hasp and keeper on the door and frame using wooden screws. Then slap a padlock on the new fixture. It creates a great deal of frustration if that door is the only way out of the apartment. Do it late Saturday night so the discovery is made on Sunday morning when it's impossible to get help.

Run a classified ad offering to sublet the mark's apartment. You can list either the mark's telephone number or that of his / her landlord. As usual, make the contact hour for very early in the morning "because of shift-work schedule". You might want to make a "milk run" to the mark's apartment very early on several mornings and place a whole bunch of empty booze bottles outside his or her door. This works well in ritzy apartments where the neighbors are snobs.

How do you get by the security people One way is to pose as a delivery person, a service person, a building inspector, or someone on a work crew. You can also hire an accomplice in the building, or you can bribe the door guard. Suppose you are the victim of a nasty landlord who evicts you for no good reason. There are lots of legal ways to get your tenant's rights, but there are also many quasi-legal and illegal ways that are much more fun.

For example, you could simply "sublet" the place, on your own, to a bunch of dopers, bikers, drunks, hookers, runaways, or twenty-four-hour party throwers. Make this extracurricular subletting your going-away surprise. Another person I know went to the local animal shelter on several different days and got a total of fifteen cats for twenty-five dollars. He bought a bunch of cat food and a bushel basket of fish, and filled his bathtub with water for them.

He then nailed every window and door shut from the inside before crawling out the tiny casement window in the basement. He had previously nailed the basement door shut behind him. Obviously, he had moved his things out several days previously. His eviction notice was effective the next day, but the landlord didn't check on the house for five days. My God, what a mistake that man made.

To say that that cat house was an uninhabitable mess is an understatement. Tim Carroll was tossed out of his apartment by the landlady because one of Tim's many lady friends stayed over for the whole entire evening. This upset the old biddy who owned the building, and being a staunch, God-fearing charter member of the DAR, she canceled his lease and ordered him to leave the building. Displeased with the arbitrary and unilateral treatment and the upheaval caused by her dubious moral judgement, Tim didn't get angry; he got even.

He had a trusted friend place a large sign in a hallway window of the landlady's apartment building. The seventh-floor window faced a busy business street, and the sign was quite visible to many hundreds of people. The sign read: TIM CARROLL SUCKS. The landlady didn't see the sign, so two days later, Tim's friend positioned another sign, this time in a sixth-floor-hall window. The second sign read: TIM CARROLL IS A FAG. The landlady saw both signs and removed them.

Two days later, she got a letter from Tim, with a picture enclosed showing her building with the signs easily visible. The letter was Tim's complaint about personal slander and harassment. He asked her please to desist. Sometime early the next morning, in time for rush-hour morning traffic, a new sign went up in the window: TIM CARROLL BLOWS DEAD BEARS. At 8: 30 a. m., the unsuspecting landlady recieved a call from an attorney friend of Tim's, citing the original slander and warning the woman against further incidents. Shaken, she swore her innocence.

Ten minutes after hanging up, he called back, sounding furious because Tim had just called him about the latest sign. Flabbergasted, the old lady swore she would remove it and loudly proclaim her innocence. Another sign went up that afternoon in time for rush-hour the other way: TIM CARROLL IS A FLAMING HETEROSEXUAL. The landlady got the lawyer's call just after dark, when the sign was no longer visible. She was almost in tears because of his threats to sue. She begged to just talk to Tim, to tell him none of this was her doing.

The attorney told her that he had advised his client to have no further discussions with her. The next day's sign read: FOR A GOOD LAY, CALL TIM CARROLL. That evening, a new sign went up. The landlady, frantic, according to Tim's friend who was putting up the signs, got to it fifteen minutes after it went up.

The attorney called her five minutes after she go back to her own apartment. Tim related, "You might feel almost sorry for the old lady, except that she had told me earlier that she was going to keep my security deposit and that I would have to forfeit the month's rent I had paid in advance because I had violated the morality clause in my lease. The was no such clause. I found out she had done this same thing to two other guys a year before and some guys before that.

She also tossed out a couple because they weren't married. She'd come into your room when you were gone and snoop, too. That bugged me". No signs went up for the next three days, although the woman checked the windows every twenty minutes or so. On the fourth day, hundreds of passersby, accustomed to the signs weren't disappointed.

The new sign read: TIM CARROLL'S WHOREHOUSE. Although it took her an hour to discover and remove it, the lawyer friend of Tim's didn't call until the next morning, when a new sign was in the window: WHOREHOUSE UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT. The landlady's telephone number was listed. A second sign was placed on the sixth-floor window underneath: TIM CARROLL COULDN'T BEAT THE COMPETITION. In his best tones, the attorney explained that enough was enough and that on behalf of his client, Mr. Carroll, he would be filing an action. The woman was distraught.

He told her to have her attorney present for a meeting at three the following afternoon. He asked her who attorney was and said the meeting should be in his office. Tim and his attorney postponed this meeting several times, then told the woman that since she had stopped putting up the signs, they would hold the suit in limbo for the time. Reportedly, she monitored the halls and windows of that building regularly for five months. But more importantly, she also left her tenants to their own moral lives. @ENDNODE @NODE ASSASSINATION "Assassination" Suppose you have a mark whose ill temper has created problems for you.

Or perhaps this mark is simply an obnoxious nut whose obsessions have cost you personally. A dentist I know spent many unselfish hours working to get flouride into his community's drinking water as a means of fighting tooth decay in children. An apolitical and highly dedicated professional, he was concerned only with healthcare for the kids in the community. A hyper, rightwing zealot jumped on the issue and scared the town council with his insane babble. He claimed that flouride was a Communist plot to poison America's drinking water and minds and that using flouride would lead to LSD as part of the International Communist Conspiracy. The timid council voted "no" on flouride.

Beside himself, the young dentist said he surely would like to get back at the rightwing firebrand but just didn't know what to do. Sighing, he gave up his fight and put his time back into his practice. The kids never got their flouride treatment, and as a result he had a lot of business. It's too bad that young dentist never met Maurice Bishop. In the hypocritical piety following the assassinations of the sixties, physical security was supposedly tightened to protect the chief executive chosen by the power brokers who now control the United States.

A former law-enforcement official with a probable intelligence background offered an astounding dirty trick related to this topic. To protect this source's identity we " ll use the cover name of Maurice Bishop. Bishop says that the CIA, FBI and Secret Service all keep a list of nut cases, radicals, and others who threaten political figures. Often, these people are jailed, kept under protective custody, or placed under twenty-four-hour surveillance by authorities when political targets are in the area. Bishop's idea calls for threatening telegrams to be sent to the politician in the mark's name.

At the very least this telegram will bring a visit by one of the government agencies, and perhaps it will result in a bit of jail time if the mark loses his / her cool as a result of this dirty trick. Bishop says this will also work with state officials, bringing a visit from state police or some other law enforcement official. @ENDNODE @NODE AUTO DEALERS "Auto Dealers" If an automobile dealership screws you, on either the car, the deal, or the service, don't get angry-get even. Wait outside the showroom until a prospective customer starts talking to a salesperson about the same type of car you got.

Walk right up to the customer and tell him you woeful story. The idea is to screw up as many sales as you can (it will cost the dealer at least $5000 for each screw-up). Be factual, be cool, and act as if you " re an honest citizen trying to save another honest citizen some money and heartache -as you wish someone had done for you. Sincere good faith is the thing here, because the salesman is going to blow his about the second time you pull your act. When the manager asks you to leave and you don't, he will probably call the police. You had anticipated this earlier and alerted someone at the local newspaper or television station-probably the action-line reporters.

Smalltown media usually won't allow reporters to come-car dealers buy lots of ads, and you don't. A regional TV station may show up-if you promise a confrontation with the law. So when the manager calls the police, you call your TV reporter-fun and games for the 6: 00 p.m. news. If all this doesn't work, wait off the dealer's premises and approach customers as they leave the showroom. Tell your story there and then.

Offer to help them avoid your mistake. But stay on public property. And keep after the action-line reporters. If you escalate the attack a bit, show up when the night salespeople are on duty-they won't recognize you.

Look at new cars; wander around. Few salespeople pay much attention to an obvious gawker. As soon as someone else or a telephone distracts the salesperson, you can do things to the automobile right there in the showroom. A bottle opener is hard on the finish. See the file on additives for things you could quickly put into the fuel tank. If you could smuggle some in with you, stuff roadkill under a car seat or in the glove compartment.

Or toss a condom (preferably used) on the front seat. By the way, used condoms make wonderful plants in other locations as well, like the boss's desk, or in a customer's car back in the service shop. If you can manage to slip undetected into the service area along with your bag of sabotage goodies, such as glue, wire cutters, paint, potatoes, M 80's, etc., you can run amok. Work quietly and quickly. This sort of guerrilla warfare can literally wreck a dealer's service reputation. @ENDNODE @NODE BANKS "Banks" It could be time to make your bankroll.

According to Townsend Alexander, our financial intelligence agent, you can make good money buying some very cheap foreign coins that are the same size as a quarters. Get a paper coin wrapper. Wrap a few real quarters on the ends but fill the rest of the roll with the cheap ie import coins. Wrap the roll and with felt-tip pen write some phony account number on it to add to authenticity. Take the roll of coins into the targeted bank.

If you dress like a business person and go at a busy time, especially with the account number written on each roll, and the rolls in a bank sack or your briefcase, the teller will probably give you ten dollars per roll without checking. If you could get a banker to tell the truth, he'd admit that they hate college-student checking accounts. There's probably a lot of justification, since most services like this for college students cost far more than they " re worth in return. However, that's not our problem. Suppose you have a gripe with the bank. Acting as the bank's ad manager, get in touch with the student newspaper at the school and arrange to run some ads with banner headlines reading, STUDENTS WELCOME, plus such services as NO SERVICE CHARGE, FREE CUSTOM-PRINTED CHECKS, INTREST ON THE BALANCE, NO MINIMUM BALANCE, and so on.

Offer to give away free albums or Walkman radios. The day after the "bank's" ad runs they will be swamped with unwanted students, who are going to be very angry at the bank (and probably at the student newspaper). Modern banks now have cash machines where you insert your plastic money card and the machine gives you the money. If that institution or its machine has become your target, here's a dairy land delight you could easily employ. Take some tough, hard cheese and cut it the same size and shape as your plastic card. Insert the cheese "card" into the slot of the machine and leave the area.

One banker told me it took a service person nine hours to clean the machine and get it operating again when someone pulled this stunt in Baltimore. The bank still giving you trouble, or you didn't give them enough It's time to move things up the scale a notch. Rent a safe-deposit box under another name. Pay cash for a three-month rental. That's all the time you " ll need to collect on this one.

Go to the market and buy a couple of overripe fish-I'm sure you " ll get a bargain price. Carry them wrapped in plastic in your briefcase. Go directly to your safe deposit box. In the privacy of the bank's little cubicle, unwrap the fish and lay the big, stinky suckers right in the safety deposit box. Close it, lock it, and store it. Then carry the fish wrappers, briefcase, and yourself out of the bank.

In a few days your deposit will gain their intrest. You'd better do your real banking at another institution for a while. It's quite possible bank officials will have to hire someone to drill the lock on the targeted safe-deposit box to remove the contents. @ENDNODE @NODE BIKERS "Bikers" You " re walking along a pedestrian sidewalk, and along come a bicyclist, churning away his / her spare calories on that nonpolluting transportation device. Within moments you " re an involuntary participant in a game of chicken with that cyclist, who swerves while you weave. You finally pass each other in good dodgem-car fashion.

Maybe. Wonderful stuff, adrenaline. On the other cheek, maybe you " ve been blindsided by an irresponsible cyclist trespassing on your pedestrian walk right of way. "No more turning the other cheek", is the war cry of Mel Safe, an anti cyclist who is fighting back. "I've declared war on all two wheelers who trespass into my life", Mel says. "I'll get the senior citizen bicyclist who forces me off my sidewalk on the same day I get even with the teenage dirt biker who tears up the hill behind my home".

One of Mel's tactics is to toss a length of chain into the spokes of the dirt bike when it's roaring by. Instantly, the bike stops going forward while the rider continues onward until gravity takes over. "I've also used a wire cutter to snip the spokes on a bicycle whose owner has done me a disfavor", Mel relates. "That " ll cause a real collapse in his biking game". Another time he spread a large patch of grease on the path used by dirt bikers.

He can't even estimate the pounds of air he's released from captivity in bike tires. He's used all the nasty engine additives mentioned in another file for these machines that disturb his world. "I liked that Burt Reynolds movie where the truck driver drove his rig over all those goddamn motorcycles", Mel grinned. Turning seriously, he added, "I've thought about the old World War II trick of stretching piano or barbed wire across a trail or bikeway, but I think that could be fatal, so I don't really do it."If there were some way I could totally kill the damn machines and only embarrass the people a bit I'd surely like to hear about it.

Until then I will stick to the old standards that have worked for me so far". He adds, "I know people may sneer at me for being mean to kiddies on their bicycles, and I know bicycles are an in thing today. But maybe if those young riders learn some manners early and stay the hell off pedestrian walkways, they might grow up to be decent people". @ENDNODE @NODE BOOKS "Books" Did anyone ever borrow a book from you and not return it Our private library consultant, Roberta Russell, has a suggestion with an air of financial finality behind it. For the first step, a printer should make you about three or four dozen bookplates, all featuring your mark's name and address, plus the legend, "If this book is lost and you find it and return it, I will pay you $10 cash". Your next step is the local Goodwill Industries, a local thrift or second-hand shop, or a garage sale for books.

Buy two or three dozen used hardcover books. You buy them as cheaply as you can, but they " ll cost your mark plenty. Your next step is to paste on the bookplates and distribute these books-at the beach, on park benches, in a bus or subway, or in a bar or restaurant. The final step is for you to enjoy a good chuckle at your mark's expense, as people find the "lost" books. If your mark has a fine library, you might consider introducing it to silverfish. They love good books; in fact they will devour them.

If you feel this nasty, you probably already know where to get silverfish and their eggs. This one bothers me, though, since I love good books. Maybe there's a better way. Perhaps you could put an earwig in you mark's bed pillow.

Why not give your mark the image of a philanthropic person Donate books in his / her name to the local library, but without either party's knowledge. Buy a bunch of really scuzzy porno paperbacks, especially the colorfully illustrated ones from Denmark-the more grossly hardcore, the better. Your printer will produce some paste-in bookplates that say something like this, "This book donated to the [Name] library by [Mark's name] in loving memory of all the sweet children of [Town name]". Paste in the bookplates and sprinkle the donated books around the local library. Put some in the children section, and others in the religion books. @ENDNODE @NODE CAMPUSES "Campuses" Not everyone is hibernating on college campuses.

Although it's true that many students have become docile zombies, lobotomized by lethal doses of television and the bureaucracy of the educational system, there are a few live ones. At an eastern university, a number of students got upset with the rent gouging of a massive corporation acting as an absentee landlord for private off-campus dormitories. After getting nowhere appealing to an untesticled school administration, and after being ignored by a housing inspector and a city council belonging to the same social class and clubs as the corporate landlords, the students held a pizza party. The unusual part was the the pizza party was held in the clothes dryers of the dormitory laundry rooms. One participant reported, "We dumped a couple of really gooey pizzas in each dryer, put in the coins, and turned them on". Try cleaning up that one!

Epilogue: The corporate landlord and his student tenants settled their problems shortly after the party, totally to the satisfaction of the young protestors. Professor James Shannon claims that college students of the past had heinous imaginations. Today, of course, many students are content merely to move around enough to prevent roots from forming on their contact surfaces with the ground. Professor Shannon suggests that if you have a teacher you don't like, and he / she lectures from a desk or podium on a raised platform, you move the stand so its legs are barely balanced on the front edge of the platform. When the academic leans forward on the structure ever so slightly, it will come crashing forward. With any luck the pedagogue will land on top of it.

At an eastern university, two looser colleagues filled a humorless and bookish faculty member's office closet with several large and irritable geese one evening. The professor was in the habit of arriving quite early for 8: 00 AM class, early enough so that the hasty-tempered birds would just be awakening. When he opened the closet door they woke up and became badly aggressive really fast. Eyewitness reports left no doubt whose feathers were ruffled most. This will be truly appreciated only by those privy to the pettiness of academia: Other colleagues of this same professor sometimes send truly pedantic, nasty, personal, and vindictive memoranda to various other faculty members, deans, etc., in the name of their priggish colleagues. On one occasion they sent really nasty letters to the parents of a few of this faculty member's students, giving the poor folks hell for daring to produce such genetic drift as their kids, much less turning them loose on a college campus.

The school's PR people had a terrible time getting out from under that one. As for the mark, the dumb schmuck had no idea why so many people disliked him. But please take his colleagues word for it-he deserves every bit of it. @ENDNODE @NODE CARBIDE "Carbide" Having been brought up around hunters and miners, I learned all about carbide lamps and carbide fishing early. Working on my grandfather's farm, I learned about carbide bombs.

Let me explain some things you might find useful. When calcium carbide is exposed to air and water it produces a gas that will kill small animals. Farmers often pour it down gopher, rat, or groundhog holes, then dump in some water and put a rock over the hole. The animal is gassed to death.

A lot of poor people used to fish with carbide with the same efficiency with which legions of GIs fished with hand grenades. Simply toss a pound or two of carbide into a can and seal it, but be sure to punch a few holes in the lid. Toss it into a pond. The results can play havoc with your mark's fish pond or fancy goldfish pool or an indoor aquarium. Water and carbide can produce an explosion. Some of the nastier kids used to place amounts of carbide into the toilets at our school.

The idea was to place the carbide bomb in the toilet, leave a lighted cigarette on the seat, and run like hell. The carbide would combine with the water to produce a huge cloud of noxious gas, which would explode when it hit the lighted cigarette the perpetrators left behind. This little homemade bomb did more damage than an M 80. Tim Bell, who later became a Special Forces NCO in Vietnam, explains, "We had a kid bully whom no one liked-a real prick. He always went to the john after fourth period to sneak a smoke. So two of us went in right after him and laid a carbide bomb in the water in the next stall.

We were about a hundred feet down the hall when the damn thing went off". At this point, Tim burst into a wild laughter. I was able to learn, though, that the bully had his legs burned and cut by flying porcelain, bit his tongue badly, was knocked violently off the throne, bruising his ribs against the steel wall of the stall, and was deafened for nearly twenty-four hours, all by the force of this carbide explosion. With that kind of background as a high school kid, it's no wonder Tim Bell made a good Special Forces trooper. Are there more adult uses for carbide Some sixties semi-terrorists used to dump a pound or so into the toilets of corporate offices and government buildings, flush the mess into the system, and walk away briskly.

Enough of the stuff could get very dangerous, considering the possible backup of gases. A combination of water and carbide has been fed into the ventilating systems of various corporate and government buildings, also by semi-terrorists who wish to harass the resident bureaucrats. @ENDNODE @NODE CARS "Cars" This one's really kiddie Halloween time, but it does work. A bunch of old nuts and bolts placed into the wheel well behind the hubcap will make the mark think his / her car is falling apart. It's worth some minor harassment, of course, and works outstandingly well with high-strung non mechanical typed who absolutely panic at car noises.

You can get a little heavier than Halloween by removing a hubcap from your mark's car wheel and loosening or removing the lug bolts. Sooner or not much later, the wheel will simply roll off the car. Moving up the escalator of nastiness, you could probably fill your mark's whole body with adrenaline if you placed a split shot sinker, of the type used by fishermen, on the accelerator cable of his / her vehicle. Willy Sea more, a top mechanic, suggests you extend the cable, then place the lead weight on the extended portion, which effectively blocks it from returning. This means the vehicle's throttle will run wide open. It's a nasty version of the jack-rabbit start.

From choking up to locking up is hardly a quantum experience. The new miracle glues are impregnable when squirted into car door keyholes. Nothing short of a locksmith can repair this low-risk attack. If you hit just before the mark's family vacation, leave the car door locks alone and hit the trunk lock. With any luck, they " ll never notice until they " re miles from home. A refinement of simply putting a super glue or epoxy into the car's various locks is to take any old key that will vaguely locks is to take any old key that will vaguely fit into the lock cavity, insert it, then twist it rapidly back and forth until the key breaks off, stuck in the lock.

Now is the time to squirt glue into the lock. The job is more permanent and more costly to repair. If you tire of fooling with the locks, you can look elsewhere. Marshall Tanner, inventor of muffler bearings, says you can prop some large-headed nails against the tires of your mark's car, especially if it's parked so it will have to be backed up to get out of a parking stall in a lot.

The car moves back and the wheels roll over the nails, puncturing tires. If your mark's married, you can have all sorts of sport with his ride. A male mark deserves that you slip sexy undergarments usually worn by a sexy lady under his car's front seat or wedge them carefully into the back seat. You could tear them a bit. More than a hint of perfume or flavored douche will always hype suspicion. You can escalate this stunt somewhat if you buy male underwear-get the sexy style in white-and place some lipstick smears around the fly area.

You can help the campaign along by having a very trusted lady friend call and ask nervously for the mark. The younger she sounds, the better. Have her call several times. Use your and the mark's wife's imagination. If the mark is a woman, a pack of condoms carelessly hidden in the car is always a sure-grow plant. Several dain t handkerchiefs of the type favored by milady and heavily impregnated with semen can also be stuffed in the car.

As with the male, a series of appropriately timed telephone calls from a nervous male will add to the marital festivities between mark and spouse. In less carnal surroundings, if you can get to the distributor cap, remove it and use graphite from a pencil to contact the rotor brushes. The charge will run along the graphite, causing the engine to misfire. This could cause the mark to dash into his local car butcher and get charged an outrageous price for an unnecessary tuneup. A quick way to disable a car battery is to slip a couple of Alka-Seltzer tablets or a teaspoonful of baking soda into each battery compartment. The antacid will kill the battery's power before you can say "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz".

Another cam head nasty is to take a pushpin and jab a few tiny holes through spark-plug wires. According to Lee H. Santana, a real straight shooter in the dirty-tricks department, the pin pricks cause a hellishly rump ety noise when the car is driven. Don't forget additives when working on a mark's car. The nice thing about additives is that you don't have to be odd or even to use them.

Many experts, including some of Uncle Sam's khaki-clad nephews, suggest light materials, such as crushed cork, as a great additive to the gasoline tanks of vehicles belonging to people or institutions you don't like. One former professional trickster said, "It isn't to exotic, but a handful of old leaves in the gas tank will bind the damn engine up too". Sand is not recommended because of its weight, especially when wet. It would sink to the bottom of the tank and not much would be introduced into the engine, he explained. The idea is to get the additive to the bearing surfaces, where the coarse little buggers can kick and scratch up a mechanical breakdown. Silicone carbide, emery powder, and fine metal filings will work.

During World War II, our OSS used a mixture of finely ground cork, resins, carborundum's, and metal alloys to muck up an engine. Another method that could possibly send a driver off to a service station would be to pour a gallon of shellac thinner into your targeted vehicle's gasoline tank. The alcohol will gather up all the water in the fuel trap, and when this mixture goes through the fuel line it will cause the vehicle to snort, stammer, and act as if it has big carb troubles. By the time the driver gets the vehicle to a mechanic, the problem has usually departed out the exhaust pipe. Done enough times, this one can redline the frustration and credibility levels of both the driver and the mechanic. If you want to use additives in your mark's gasoline tank, yet are concerned about arousing suspicion in daylight or in an otherwise high-visibility area, simply adopt a cover prop.

"Put the harmful additive in a metal gasoline can like they sell in stores", advises Joey Mac Johns, a veteran trickster. "That way, any potential witnesses will never really pay attention to what's happening; they " ll simply infer because you have a gas can that you " re putting gas in the car". And don't forget oil additives. Styrene, a colorless, oily liquid, is an organic compound that is one of the two chemicals mixed together to make hardened fiberglass. Boat-supply stores and marinas have styrene available for patching fiberglass boats.

It is also used in body shops and upholstery-repair places. There are substitutes compounds that will do the same job as styrene, so read the label when purchasing the stuff to make sure you " re actually getting styrene. Styrene is the only sufficiently effective, commonly available material that can be put into a car's crankcase to completely break down the oil and ruin the engine. Styrene in the crankcase is far better that sugar in the gas tank because it can't be seen after being introduced and because only a little does a thorough job. If it's used at the rate of one per four quarts of oil, the treated vehicle will run about a hundred miles before the engine locks up tight.

This is a fairly high-risk stunt, but it could be fun if you don't get nailed doing it, according to Bill Rally. If you find that your mark is going alone to a movie you have an hour or so to have some fun with his automobile. If you " re motivated enough to carry off this stunt, no one has to tell you how to start the mark's car without a key. After you start it, drive to some very nice homes with pretty lawns. But stay fairly near the theater, so you can get back there in a hurry. Do donuts, dig out, and otherwise use the car to make a shambles of lawns, shrubbery, flower beds, etc.

Run over lawn furniture, hit mailboxes, and try to frighten some old people by coming really close to them with the car. This is a real hit-and-run mission. Do your dirty driving fast and get the car back to the theater parking area even faster. Park it and leave. If you " ve done enough damage, all sorts of police reports will be out on the car. The second or third question the police will ask the mark is whether he or she has any witnesses for the movie alibi.

That can be a real blast. But if you want another sort of pop, dig deeply into the potato bin for this one. My thanks here go to all those great truck farmers who say a potato jammed into a vehicle's exhaust pipe is not explosive, but it will cause all sorts of nasty problems. In one case, the mark parked his car with the rear end towards his home. His tormentor jammed a fresh, hard spud tightly not the car's exhaust pipe.

The mark started the car on a cold evening and waited a few moments for the engine to warm. Meanwhile, the hot gases, unable to escape, built up dangerously behind the potato... Wood! ... K ABLOOM! ...

With an explosive roar, the gases fired that big, hot, hard potato right into the metal siding of the mark's home, just fifteen feet away from the exhaust pipe, which acted as a cannon barrel. The holing and denting of the siding cost $150 and a day to repair. There are all sorts of other devices that make good muffler bombs. A firecracker may be shoved into the vehicle's exhaust pipe, pushing it along with a stiff wire until the explosive device falls into the muffler.

It takes only a few moments of driving with today's hot exhaust gases to explode the firecracker. Even a fairly small firecracker will cause panic, especially if the driver is paranoid to start with. If you want to destroy the muffler and drive the mark's panic into the fantasy of having his / her car really bombed, substitute an M 80 or a shotgun shell for the prank ish finger-sized firecracker. If the violence and property destruction of this bothers you or causes you to grimace, consider this next happy face. Most mail-order and novelty stores sell very realistic rubber-faced masks, resembling everything from an ape man, through a drooling idiot, on down to a Ronald Reagan mask. Select one that looks especially gross-like an old man, or the idiot, or Richard Nixon.

Position is so it looks realistic on the back of your head. This leaves your vision unobstructed. Head for the road in your car. Just as another motorist overtakes your vehicle to pass you, lean out the window. The effect on the approaching motorist would be interesting to observe, as that other driver will see a drooling goon looking back, directly at him, with no apparent concern for the road ahead.

I bet very few cars actually pass you with this stunt in operation. Taking the license plate off a mark's car can be a good shot, even you don't want to steal the thing for other nefarious purposes. How many times do you look to see if the plate is on your car A cop has only to look once. I bet it would be fun to hear the mark's explanation of where his license plate has gone.

Don't you get really happy when some defective excuse for a human suddenly pulls his / her vehicle out directly in front of yours or cuts you off Marty Mullin has a solution in hand. A delightful person, Mullin reveals, "I bought a top-quality pellet pistol, one of those compressed-air guns, which I keep in my car. You can use either the cartridge or the pump type-just to be sure you get one with enough power to penetrate metal. Get a supply of the. 177-caliber pellets, too. Then, next time some dip pulls out in front of you, pull up behind the dip's vehicle and get in his / her blind spot.

With a truck or van that's easy enough. Then you bring your pellet gun into action. "Plunk a shot into the mark's vehicle, the trunk for a car, or the back of a van or rig. If it's a big truck you can get in quite a few shots, because the driver is not likely to hear them. A van or car will make a helluva THUNK when that pellet hits, so be cautious. "There's no discharge noise, because you " re not using a firearm.

After your attack, back off and proceed your business as if nothing has happened. You probably have not taught the mark a lesson, but you feel better for what you just did-I guarantee that". I asked Mullin about the possibility of hitting a passenger who is riding in the back of the mark's vehicle. He replied, "Then, that passenger also has every right to be furious with the dippy mark for pulling out in front of you". @ENDNODE @NODE CB RADIOS "CB Radios" Want to send your neighborhood CB nut a message This nut is the CB addict who refuses to filter his / her equipment and thus disrupts TV, stereo, AM / FM, and other normal communication for blocks. Usually, these idiots are about as sensitive to other people's feelings as Idi Amin was to the plight of the poor.

In both cases a lesson is called for. To do this effectively, heed the lesson of Sterling Or co, who says you must personally interdict the mark's CB antenna. It would be well to do this when the mark is away from the home area. Unfasten the CB coax line from the mark's antenna. Then clip two leads of a regular 110-volt line to the CB coax-one lead to the center conductor, the other lead to the shield. Small alligator clips will do nicely.

Then, hop down from your perch near the antenna and plug the other end of the 110-volt wire into your mark's nearest outdoor socket. Next time he / she turns on the CB and hits the transmit button... well, words fail to describe the results adequately. One comment-even the repair people will shake their heads. A bit less destructive, but no less nasty, is the old pin-in-the-coax trick. You prick a tiny pin through the plastic outer cable and through the shield. Be sure it touches the center conductor.

Then cut the head off the pin and push it in some more-out of sight. The plastic should close behind the pin, making the wound invisible. Just make sure that the pin short-circuits the center conductor to the metal outer shield. Do a couple of these along the coax between the antenna and the CB set. It does stuttering wonders for the transmission. @ENDNODE @NODE CHARITY "Charity" Charity begins at the home of your mark.

You simply volunteer his / her services to the charity's recruiting chairperson, giving the name and address of your mark. These charity drives are so happy to get volunteers these days that they will rarely verify your call. That means the first contact the mark has is when another volunteer shows up at the door with all sorts of campaign and collection materials. In many cases, the mark is too embarrassed to refuse, and you " ve added to his / her workload. If you think that's a dirty trick to pull on a charity, ask them how many cents out of each dollar go directly to the victims and other people who are at the bottom of the line for help. Besides, your mark might turn out to be a great charity worker.

You can call in generous pledges in your mark's name during telethons and other charity drives. You can also call in pledges to bothersome telethons, using double-entendre names. For example, when one public-TV station held another of its semiweekly fundraisers, several contributors announced over the air as pledging financial support included Clint To ris, Seymour Kunt, Connie Lingus. Margie Kowalski used to work for the Salvation Army.

She suggests that you call the local Salvation Army, Goodwill, or whatever charity and report you mark for stealing out of the organization's pickup boxes. Report the mark by his auto license number. Say you work at one of the stores near the collection box and you " ve seen the mark rob the box several times. You can also report this "crime" to the police.

@ENDNODE @NODE CHEESE "Cheese" It's tried and true, but I bet you haven't heard of it since you were a kid. This one came from Alabama, the old Limburger-cheese-on-the-muffler-of-a -new-car trick. The exhaust manifold works well, too, as a surface for a cheese spread. Or you can simply place som of the same substance behind a radiator in a home or office. Once it's burned on, the smelly sour effect can last for weeks, despite robust cleaning efforts.

@ENDNODE @NODE CHILD ABUSE "Child Abuse" I heard a real horror story recently where a truly evil minded teenager [H. ..] swore to child-abuse officers in her county that her parents beat her. They hadn't and didn't. Never mind; the bureaucrats came bouncing out of the woodwork, and the harried parents had to appear in court to defend themselves against the lies of a teenager with mental problems [H II... ]. The parents were looked upon as villians, even though the judge dismissed the charges as unfounded.

Their attorney (yes, they had to hire one to fight government persecution) advised them against a jury trial because they'd lose on the emotionalism of the issue, regardless of the facts. Nice. All this leads up to the fact that you can report your mark as a child-abuse offender. Acting as a "concerned neighbor", you can tell the authorities. The hassle is unreal. After you " ve done this, a few anonymous letters to the mark's employer about the "child-abuse thing" will help out.

@ENDNODE @NODE CIA "CIA" Your mark might have sneaky points you never thought about. For example, maybe your mark would make a good CIA employee. You could easily find out. Write a letter of application to the agency using your mark's name. The agency get hundreds of letters from would-be action agents, such as unemployed gangsters, karate freaks, ex-soldiers, Walter Mitty types, etc. I doubt that they take many of these seriously, but they might be interested in talking with a highly qualified technical person, such as an analyst, area expert, journalist with oodles of foreign experience, language expert, or economist.

Advanced college degrees and military service abroad as an officer are fine credentials for your mark. Make up a good solid background. It is probably illegal for you to make a false application in your mark's name using phony credentials. Send resumes to: Personnel Representative Central Intelligence Age.