Pervert And An Actual Fan example essay topic

Celebrity Babes and Beer By Chad Damian i Perv: What a turn on! Fan: I wonder how they feel inside? I'm enjoying a pint at Rudy's when the topic of the fairer sex arises. Yes, guys talking about women at a bar. Go figure. The boys and I don't discuss our girlfriends, wives or the new sexy accountant at somebody's work - hell, we barely give lip service to the girl wearing hip-huggers and playing pool ten feet away.

(Exposed thong - hot or whorish? Vote now.) We talk about celebrities. Specifically, the Britney, Christin as and Paris Hiltons of the world. The boys and I like them pretty, dim-witted? and only a few clicks past their eighteenth birthday.

Fan or Perv? For those of you who can't tell the difference between perversion and fanaticism, check out these examples: PERVERT: Did you see that hot kiss between Britney and Madonna? FAN: Hey, when Britney kissed Madonna, do you think Britney was wearing lip gloss from her new line of adolescent beauty products? PERVERT: Jennifer Love Hewitt has the most beautiful set I've ever seen.

FAN: Jennifer Love Hewitt has the most beautiful tea set I've ever seen. According to CRIBS, she also collects Parisian finger bowls. PERVERT: LeAnn Rimes - what a body! I hope she poses nude to spite her parents. FAN: LeAnn Rimes - what a body of work! I hope she sings a duet with young up-and-comer Josh Bolin.

PERVERT: Why doesn't Kaley Cuoco have a bikini calendar? I'd love to have her hanging next to my bed. FAN: Why doesn't Kaley Cuoco have a tell-all autobiography? I'd love to hear how she handled John Ritter's death. Don't get me wrong. I've got mad respect for girls with a little more weather on the tread.

Personally, I'd kill to siesta with Salma (37, believe it or not) or work full-time as Demi's post-workout thigh masseuse. And in reality-land, I also love brainy broads who can run with me during Double Jeopardy. But I don't come to Rudy's for reality. I come here for cheap beer, cheaper hot dogs and a jukebox that can play Otis Redding, Whitesnake and Fatboy Slim for a single buck. So quit judging and screw off.

These talks are always fun, but never lead to any good. First off, you start noticing how much brainpower you " ve dedicated to women you have no chance of polishing. I can recall glossy lips and scandalous dresses from ten years of Teen Choice Award shows with striking detail, but ask me what I got back on my taxes last year and nothing. It's embarrassing. Then again, you can't daydream about stuff like your Visa pin number when you " re stuck in gridlock.

But Jessica Alba's belly button? that single perfect image can get me through the Lincoln Tunnel and halfway down the New Jersey Turnpike. In rush hour. On Memorial Day weekend. And then there's that buddy of yours who pisses on the whole conversation, because he doesn't know the difference between being a pervert and an actual fan. You know who I'm talking about. The whole junkyard crew is raving about Shakira's ability to shake her ass like a paint mixer, when some buzzkill chimes in with "I hear she's dating Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit" or "Did you know that she is having a feud with Italian Vogue?" Ugh.

Thanks for the celebrity dish, douche bag. I'm glad to see that your subscription to Tiger Beat is finally paying off. Look, like it or not, there are a few unspoken rules when it comes to drooling over younger girls. Talk of alleged nude pictures of Mandy Moore on the Internet.

Good. Discussion of Avril Lavigne's comments on vegetarianism. Very, very bad. If you " re still confused, just ask yourself this question before you utter a word: Is what I'm about to say something that would fascinate a 12 year-old girl?

If the answer is yes, then shut up and drink. Otherwise, I'm personally going to have to dig into you and expose your overgrown inner-Girl Scout to the group. And trust me pal, she won't be the least bit pretty.