Relationships And Communications example essay topic

Stacy Fagan Professor BordelonEnglish 151-062005 February 26 Successful Love How can couples have successful love? Very seldom do couple start a loving relationship, and keep loving each other. Most relationships go down the drain usually between six months to two years. In the beginning, relationships are new, exciting, and passionate. After some time passes, things change and everything becomes predictable.

When this happens, partners get sick of each other and start to fight and argue with each other. Basically, you just get on each others' nerves. Authors Deborah Tannen, John Gray, Susan Page, and John Gottman explain certain solutions to have successful love. These authors have experience in analyzing relationships.

Tannen is a linguistics professor at Georgetown University, specializing in language and communications. Gray is an inspirational writer on relationships. Page has done much work in workshops specializing in relationships and communications. Finally, Gottman is a psychology professor, who has done research on relationships between two thousand married couples. They all mention that in order to keep a strong relationship, there are particular skills that you need to know.

For men and women to successfully communicate, they must be able to listen to each other, understand each other, and not criticize one another. You must have these components to make a relationship successful. Listening is one of the most important aspects of successful communication between men and women. Listening is the act of paying attention in order to hear one another. When couples communicate, they usually think about talking instead of listening, even though "98% of good communication is listening". (Page, 28) Page states, "Listening means putting yourself in the other person's shoes.

It means trying to understand a different point of view before you try to make yourself understand. (Page, 28) This explains the fact that what you are saying to someone may mean something totally different than what you wanted to say. To stay away from this problem you must speak as if you were listening. In other words, you have to hear the words that you are saying before they come out of your mouth. "To some people listening is a highly refined skill that is reserved for deep, intimate conversations or delicate negotiations". (Page, 28) To other people listening is a part of their everyday routine.

"The secret of good listening is non-defensive listening". (Gottman, 48) In relationships many fights are caused because one person becomes offended by something the other says. Gottman states The key to defusing your spouses defensiveness is to be a good listener. While your mate has the floor, it is your job to genuinely understand and emphasize with the feelings behind the words that you hear. If an individual doesn't listen to what someone is saying, it may result into him / her reacting defensively. This is a common mistake couples make in relationships.

(Gottman, 51) I know from experience that I have become very upset over something my boyfriend had said to me. Sure enough, he thinks that he said nothing, and I am overreacting (which I have a tendency to do). If I would " ve listened more carefully and tried to hear it in his words, I wouldn't have gotten upset. "It is important to reflect back what you have heard, not by rote, but with your heart" which means "listening deeply, and if you truly care, then what you reflect back to the person who is speaking will not be mechanical".

(Page, 30) In Gottman's essay he writes "Your partners negativity is away of emphasizing how strongly your partner feels upon the issue [... ] even if you strongly disagree, act as if you agree". (55) For example: A boyfriend and girlfriend always argue over something stupid, especially when a female doesn't agree with a man's action. In some cases, females will say, "why didn't you call me, I was worried". A man in this situation may take this the wrong way and respond, "god woman, give me some space!" If the man would have listen to the words "I was worried", he would have responded "sorry, next time I'll call and leave a message."The key to defusing your spouses defensiveness is to be a good listener".

(Gottman, 51) Both writers Page and Gottman believe that listening is a key factor in a good relationship. To have a healthy relationship you must know how to communicate, and know the difference between men and women's communications. There is a different understanding between men and women's's peach. People need to understand that the way men and women communicate are completely different. This is because men and women have different motives. They speak for two separate reasons.

This is opposite sexes usually have issues about something they said to someone or to one another. All four authors emphasize that you have to work on understanding each other in order to have successful communication. Page states "when two parties in a conflict are willing and able to listen to each other and to understand each other's point of view, they can negotiate peacefully". (31) To start off, is to understand that "men feel more comfortable public speaking, while women feel more comfortable doing private speaking". (Tannen, 10) Gray also agrees, "women are more oriented towards connection; men towards accomplishments, so women want to be affirmed for who they are, men for what they do". (42) Tannen declares "For most women, the language of conversation is a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships [... ] for men, talk is primarily a means to preserve independence and maintain status in a hierarchical social order".

(10) To tell you the truth, "many men honestly do not know what women want, and women honestly do not know why men find it so hard to comprehend and deliver". (12) Men react totally different and can get away with it by just ignoring the problem. This makes women even more mad because the women want to solve the problem while the man just wants to get away from it. "Women get burned not only when they unknowingly invade a man's introspective time but also when they misinterpret his expressions, which are generally warning signs that he is on his way into a cave". (Gray, 22) Gray concludes, "A cave is a place that men go to work things out when they are upset or stressed".

(21) When this happens, women always try and help the man get out. This only makes the situation worse because she is smothering him. "Both men and women need to stop offering the method of caring; instead start to learn the different ways their partners 'think, feel, and react'". Not worrying about him is difficult for her. Worrying for others is one way women express their love and caring. Being a woman myself, I know that I am not happy when someone I love is upset.

"Ironically men show their love by not worrying". When you are the speaker you must think about what you are saying before you say it. According to Gottman Before you offer a word, remember that you really do have a choice [... ] There are distinctions between a complaint, a criticism, and contempt.

They are: A complaint specific, a criticism includes blaming your partner, contempt adds insult to criticism. Remove blame from your comments, say how you feel, don't criticize your partners personality. Don't insult, mock or use sarcasm. ; Be direct.

Stick with one situation, don't try to analyze your partners personality, and don't miss-read. To have successful communication, couples should try these tips to be successful. (53) In order to not fight as couples, you must not criticize your partner. To criticize means to judge as a critic, to form judgment, and is the act of finding fault or disapproval. Page states", Constant compliments and affirmations are made the result of a flourishing relationships than the cause of one. (Page 40) Gottman agrees, "The major goal is to break the cycle of negativity and give whatever natural repair mechanisms you already have in your repertoire a chance to work".

(57) To do this, there are four steps to accomplish your goals. The first step is " 'how to calm yourself so that flooding doesn't block communication'. The second is 'how to speak and listen non-defensively'. The third is 'how to validate each other especially when the going gets tough'. The fourth and final is 'how to over learn these principles so that new skills become a second nature'". (Gottman, 45) When you speak as a male or female, you have to be patient and not jump down your partner's throat.

Also, you must try not to complain. Instead, you must make your partner feel special. Both the writers Gottman and Page believe this is true. "Reminding your partner that you really admire him / her is likely to have a powerful positive effort on the rest of your conversation". (Gottman 57) "A man will perk up when you verbally appreciate him for who he is and the things he does for you". (42) On the other hand, Tannen and Gray agree that you must be positive.

As you can tell, there are many tips to have a great relationship. After reading the authors' essays, I have learned what to do and what not to do in a relationship. So next time my boyfriend starts to drift away, I will handle it differently. Instead of getting upset and crying because he doesn't want to be with me; I will just let him be.

I can understand that "he is going into his cave" and wants to be left alone. I will realize that it isn't my fault. (Gray, 21) As author Deborah Tannen discusses the differences between men and women, she says "different perspectives on expressing or concealing dissatisfaction's and doubts may reflect a difference in men's and women's awareness of the power of their words to affect others". (15) If you are in a relationship and you want it to be successful, make sure that you listen to your partner, you understand men and women's communication differences, and never criticize-just compliment.

If you work on these elements, you will achieve "Successful Love.".